Chacklers Dream Journal

Depression and the Bell Peppers

2006-03-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

It’s been a very stressful few weeks.

So let’s start off by saying that I don’t want to slit my wrists anymore. That’s a good thing and I am grateful for coming out of that horrible hole I was sinking into but I still feel hopeless. Stuck? Lost? Trapped?

I like stuck…

What I mean is I am not depressed enough to hurt myself and I can’t say that I am all that happy. I try and be happy around others because I don’t want to be the pisser that brings everyone down but inside… I’m not sad – I’m just tired. Tired of feeling anything. Emotions are very draining to me, especially depression. I kind of see it as leeches sucking the blood out of me; weakening me to the point where I don’t want to move.

Okay so I am not quite that bad right now – see, I’m typing – at work – which means I have moved a lot. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel as if I am in a state of limbo and I am just exhausted from all the shit that I have put myself through, though it seems as though I can’t help it. My brain is hard-wired for depression, as is my mom’s and both my brothers. So it’s not my “fault” per say, it’s just how it is.

My dreams have been very entertaining. I have been dreaming about vegetables lately. The other night I dreamt that we grew these huge beautiful red bell peppers on our back porch but when we picked them the tops were all rotted out and we were very bummed. Last night I dreamt of tomatoes but for the life of me I can’t remember what that was all about. I also had a couple of illicit dreams about Hugh Laurie but I won’t go into that (wow, it got hot in here all of the sudden!) I have also been dreaming of clothes as well, evening gowns that I have designed or have seen in shops. Beautiful gowns that would rival any red-carpet frock. I’m telling ya, if I could actually make the gowns I dream about, that would be the freakin bomb!!!

I want to thank those that stopped by and checked out my blog after seeing it on Madman’s site. Thanks for the votes too!! That handsome bearded man next to me in that pic is my hubby – hubba hubba!!!!!

Brighter Days

2006-02-19T18:39:00.000-08:00

First of all, thank you Anna and mr_g. I'm feeling much better. My medication issues have been figured out, and corrected, and that's made a huge difference.

I'm still havng some problems that need to be dealt with but at least I am not feeling so hopeless. I'm telling you, that is the absolute worst feeling. I don't want to go back to that, ever again. I'm just thankful that I acted as quickly as I did when I was feeling bad.

My dreams have been crazy - mostly tornado dreams. Most of the tornados are white and I'm either getting caught up in them and not getting out or they just kind of roll right over me. Definitely this has to do with all that's going on - possibly the tornados representing the stress and the problems that I am facing and how I am dealing with it all.

I have to go up to Sacramento this week for training which I am NOT looking forward too; but at least after this things should slow down a little.

Not good...

2006-02-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Well as you can tell by my last post the Chackster (me) hasn't been doing good. I'm having a pretty bad depressive episode or whatever you want to call it; this time though suicide became a nice little option to end it. At least I am with it enough to know that's not healthy and I need some help. My anti-d's have been upped a bit and the doc's are thinking it's because all the other crap I'm on for my migraines, birth control, etc... I just have to hang in there long enough for the meds to kick in and I should feel better. Meanwhile, I have scared the piss out of my poor husband and I feel absolutely horrible about that.

I can't look at my wrists because if I do I want to cut them, does that sound freaky or what? Though I have always been depressed, I have never been suicidal. This is a whole new world for me and strangely enough, I'm not scared of it.

I got a promotion at work too so maybe the stress from the new job is also contributing to this? Also the fact that I am sick with a cold/flu and can't really take time off because of the new job? Maybe there is just too much going on and my body and mind can't handle it.

Come on meds - kick in.

Have You Ever Felt Trapped?

2006-02-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

I hate that feeling, of being trapped. I have had so much going on lately, this feeling shouldn't be there but it is.

I want to run away, yet I can't bring myself to imagine it. I want to break loose but I have absolutely no clue what's holding me back. I'm fustrated beyond belief, but I don't know what's fustrating me - which makes me even more fustrated.

I know, I make no sense. Something has got to give - I can't keep feeling like this.

Hooray for Side Effects and Bacon Sex!

2006-01-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Well the list of Topamax side effects just keeps on growing, I'm so happy!

Yes mr_g, coke tastes like ass! Wait, I take that back - ass tastes better. I have not tried other carbonated drinks but I think it's safe to assume that they will taste crappy as well. I am sticking to water, like you suggested, even though it has taken on a slight metallic taste.

Hyperventallation has kicked in. We went cycling Saturday up a small fire-trail here in town. I was hyperventallating by the first 1/4 mile into the ride, practically dying by the first mile. My hubby looked at me as though I was a weenie and I felt like a weenie. I didn't realize this was a side effect until I got home and read up on the medication. Hell, I started breathing funny tossing the ball to my dog in the afternoon yesterday.

I am having even more difficulties writing, speaking - articulation. I have never had a problem with communication up until now. I am sure others don't notice it, but I do and it's pissing me off.

I dunno if this is worth it. Say this medication does prevent my migraines, then what? That means I would be on it for quite some time. That would really put a damper some of the things I like to do. I really like cycling and I don't want to give that up. And playing ball with my pooch shouldn't wear me out.

I go back to the doc later in February and I think I'm going to tell him I want off this stuff. Unfortunately I have to do this gradually or else I risk the chance of having seizures (lovely) so I'll wait until I see the guy. Jeezaloo - what a pain in the ass this turned out to be.

Hot Steamy Bacon Sex

So last night I dream that my hubby and I are having some hot sex and he wants to try something different so he asks me to cook up five pieces of Farmer John's Thick Cut bacon for him. When I'm done cooking his bacon hubby then asks me to dress in this little green nightie thing and lay the bacon on my ass so he can eat it off of me so he does and I giggle the whole time he's eating the bacon off my ass - and I even woke myself up giggling! Pretty hilarious!

List of Side Effects I'm Feeling

2006-01-18T13:05:00.000-08:00

My Topamax Side Effects (in no particular order)
Using the wrong words when writing
Using the wrong words when speaking (only a couple of times)
Drinking all sorts of water due to excessive thirst
Carbonated drinks tastes icky
Wacky-ass dreams that I can't remember to record later
Dry skin everywhere, I'm a flippin prune. Woke up with a bloody nose the other night.
Feeling of disconnect throughout the day, not too bad though, just a little spacey.

I up the meds this Friday. I am sure the side effects will be worse but I hope not much worse. When I go cycling I go through so much water, I don't know what I'll do in the summertime when it's hot. The thing is that if I don't keep up on the water there is a chance of developing kidney stones and I sure as hell don't want to go through that. I'm going to have to get one of those hydro-pack things that I can wear on my back when I go out, that way I can carry a lot of water with me.

My doc told me that I won't know if the medication will work or not for another couple of weeks. I would imagine that the side-effects will get a little worse when I up the meds but hopefully not by much. If the stuff doesn't help my headaches though I'm getting off this crap. I have dealt with these headaches for over 20 years so dealing with them for longer aint going to kill me.

My dog Boomer has started his own blog so stop by and check it out. He's such a smart boy!

This Should Be Fun

2006-01-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the neurologist day before yesterday for my headaches. I have a history of headaches and it's been determined that I have "menstrual migraines with cluster traits". If you don't know what a cluster headache is check this site out: Cluster Headaches.

The doc gave me a prescription for a drug called Topamax, an anticonvulsant used for epilsepsy but it also works on headaches for some. I'm thinking, "Hopefully this will work." and I walked out the office happy as a clam. Got home, turned on the computer and looked up the drug. Yah, not so crazy about taking it now. Check this out. I'm not really likin the fact that the drugs can make me, "dumber than a box of rocks." Apparently the medical condition known as "aphasia" is a side effect; and that's when you say something and it sounds right to you, but it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to others. So for instance, I tell my husband, "Honey, I want a ring from Tiffany's" he's going to hear, "The dog outside is my employer." Oh boy, this is going to be fun. Not only does this affect speech but also writing as well. Hence the drug's nickname "Dopeymax" or "Stupidmax".

I spoke to the doctor today and he said that since I am on a low dosage I shouldn't have problems with it but I won't know until I take it.

Tonight I take my first pill and for a week I take one a day, then the following week I take two a day. So if you read my blog these next few weeks and I sound like a blundering idiot, it's the drugs I tell ya - it's the damn drugs.

Yah, So I Fell...

2006-01-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

I fell off my bike on Saturday. Well, actually I lost control and wiped out on someone's lawn. I fell on my left hand, jamming my shoulder good, then fell on my knees. Both knees are bruised something awful. I can walk okay thank goodness but I hurt like hell, and today is Tuesday!

I had a dream that my father was leaving my mom for another woman and when I found out I went ballistic. He got mad and was going to slap me but I picked up a pair of scissors and told him that if he was going to hit me I was going to stab him. He came moved forward so I picked up another pair of scissors and told him not to f**k with me, then ran away. I ran to a neighbor's home and hid in their yard until he drove away.

I have no clue where that dream came from; pop never cheated on my mom (at least not that I know of). Whenever I dream of him he is always pissed off at me or dying - I wonder what that means?

Mom's Okay...

2006-01-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

Hi there,

Mom's C-Scan showed nothing abnormal and her bloodwork was okay. The doctors think it was the pain medication she was taking for her female issues. It's a medication called Dilaudid which is a generic for Hydromorphone; obviously some hard core stuff. I still can't shake this feeling that something is wrong. She said that she's eating more which is a good thing. I'm taking her to a GYN over on the West Side later this month for an experamental treatment, which sounds horribly painful so I'm not going to get into it. She says she's willing to try anything to get rid of the pain, but what she's going to have done to her totally freaks me out.

My brother told me that she's been drinking a lot too, another issue that we siblings have been suspicious of. I know that alcohol doesn't mix with certain drugs too well so that might have added to her misery. She denies her drinking by the way. She says that she takes a bottle of booze; usually cognac, bourbon or whiskey, empties half the bottle and then adds water to fill up the bottle until it's full. Yah mom, like that really makes a difference.

She is miserable and too old and stubborn to do anything about it.

On a happier note, I have a new bike! Hubby and I are getting into cycling and we got a great deal on some bikes. I haven't been on a bike in over 25 years but believe it or not I picked it back up with no problem.

Here is a picture of my bike:

It's made by Giant and it's a Boulder model, very basic. If we really get into it though I'll upgrade in the future but one step at a time.

I have had a lot of dreams about evening clothes these past few days. Beautiful dresses that I see in high end stores like Nieman Marcus, Saks and Bergdorf's. I wish I had the ability to create what I see in my dreams, then I could be a designer!!

Anywho, I best be going. Take care!

Welcome 2006?

2006-01-03T15:21:00.000-08:00

Am I glad it's another new year? Not really. Actually, I could really care less, but for the sake of my family and those around me I am acting like it's all fun and joy. Damn, I'm a good actress.

Thankfully I didn't waste 2005, I found a new job which is descent. My cooking side business thing is taking off, and hubby and I have worked really hard on our marriage, and it seems to be paying off.

I guess I just don't get into the whole "New Year" attitude, like it's a brand new start. It's another day in my opinion. It's not some magical occasion where you wipe away the bad habits and introduce the new ones. After all, you can start fresh any day you like, right?

On a different note, I have a football signed by the USC football team and I want to see how much it's worth. It has Matt Leinart (sp?) and Reggie Bush's signature plus a bunch of other. I think Pete Carroll's siggy is on there as well. It's a legit football with legit signatures, I got it from a professor at an event we participated in. If anyone knows of someone in the Los Angeles area that appraises sports memorabilia please let me know.

Okay, time to get back to work...

P.S. My mom's bloodwork came back okay but she's still dropping weight. We should find out the results from her C-Scan any day.

Getting Old Sucks

2005-12-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

One of the things that I dislike about getting old is watching people that you love get sick, struggle physically and metally, and eventually pass away.

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in April 1998. While they were treating him for the tumor in his lung he kept complaining about the pain in his back, what he attributed to a bowling accident. Come to find out that the cancer had spread to his back. I don't know if it was in his spine or in a vertebra, I want to say his spine. Either way, the cancer had spread and once that happens there really isn't any hope. The doctors said that they could continue to treat him with chemo and radiation and that he could live another three to five years. He died seven months later, and more that likely it was the treatment that did him in. His last night on earth was the only night he truly suffered. The doctors at the hospice hooked him up to a morphine drip and though he was comatose you could still tell he was in pain, he moaned in his sleep - but at least he was asleep. He died in the evening with my mom by his side but I don't know if he even realized she was there.

My mom has been sick for years. She has a very painful and rare disease called "vulvardynia". It's a nerve disorder that affects the most intimate of places for a female. She's had this since the early 80's, the pain comes and goes, lasting from a few months to a couple of years. There is no cure but there are some treatments. It's back again and driving her absolutely mad. Along with this pain her back is giving out due to osterioperosis; her vertebra are collapsing on top of each other. She's has always struggled with depression and since my pop died it seemed as though she lost her will to live somewhat. Let's throw on top of all this a eating disorder. Though she won't admit it I think she has anorexia, or something similar.

Lately she has been losing weight. She's about 5' 8" and right now she weighs 90 pounds; her usual weight is about 100 pounds. She has been complaining about a lack of appetite for about a month now which she thought was due to her medication being changed around and stress from her recent bout with her female problems. Now the doctors think that something else is wrong and they want her to come in for a pancreatic/liver blood test and a CAT Scan of her abdomen. Now I don't know about you but this doesn't sound very good to me. The first thing that went through my mind when she told me about the tests was pancreatic cancer. I don't know why but that's what I thought. I went to WebMD and looked up pancreatic cancer and she has all the symptoms, except for jaundice.

Before my dad was diagnosed with cancer I had a horrible feeling it was indeed that. That same feeling came back to me when my mom told me what was up with the doctors. I know that sounds morbid but I can't ignore it. Even if it isn't cancer, something is up with her, another problem for her to deal with. I feel so sorry for her, I can't do anything except give her my support and my love but it doesn't seem like enough.

My mom isn't going to live forever I know, but at the beginning of each year since my pop died I wondered if this was going to be the year of her passing. Is this the year I will be watching her pass on to the next life; the year I will say goodbye?

I feel as if I shouldn't think this way, but I can't help it. I wonder if by thinking this I am preparing myself for the inevitable? As if that will ease the pain. If you haven't experienced the loss of someone you care for, either by death or relationship wise, it's miserable. For me it's in my heart, and it feels like there is a hole left from that person being ripped away from my life. I had it when my dad died, it was there when I ended the relationship with Steve; and the wounds don't go away. Sure they shrink and aren't as noticeable, but the scar is there.

As I get older there are more pieces ripped from my body, more wounds that have to heal, more scars left as reminder of what once was. I absolutely hate that feeling and would do anything to get rid of it. So far there is no magic cure, I just have to continue on down my own path and hope that one day, perhaps when my time is done, I will finally find the relief I have been waiting for.

Until that fateful day I will march on...

Bloody Dream explanation

2005-12-20T16:13:00.000-08:00

My therapist seemed to think that the dream represents our marriage counselor. Hubby and I are going to see a new marriage counselor because our current one is leaving to have her child. I love her dearly and this is very traumatic for me, especially because she not only helped hubby and I through a difficult time, but she completely understood my fear about having children. This is a tough blow for me, but what can you do. We have another counselor lined up and we are meeting with him in February.

I'm worried that he will not understand my fears regarding having children. Can a male really understand what a woman goes through when she's pregnant, and even afterwards? It is more than likely that I will have postpartum depression given the fact that I have depression to begin with. Sure, I can plan for what possibly can happen but I'm still terrified. When I am severely depressed it's very scary. I never have actually tried to hurt myself and I am too afraid to try. I feel trapped, too sad to live, too scared to hurt myself (which by the by is a good thing!) I just fear that I won't be able to get through the pregancy if indeed I become pregnant. Our old therapist really understood that, she "got it". I hope our new therapist will "get it" but I am afraid he won't.

Anywho, I am going to pose a question to you the reader, can a man really understand what happens to a woman, her body and mind, during and after pregnancy? I would like to read your thoughts.

Thanks!

Another Bloody Dream

2005-12-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

I hate my bloody dreams, they make me feel like a monster for even having them. I'm never doing anything bad in them, just witnessing what's going on.

I can only remember bits and pieces of last nights dream so please forgive me if this entry isn't clear.

I should preface that yesterday afternoon I watched a show called "Hate Rock" on Discovery Channel. They featured this horrid man who "didn't advocate genocide but something needed to be done to weed out the undesirable". Can you believe that insanity?

So this guy was in my dream last night and he kept bringing me the heads of different people. He had decapitated them and they weren't "clean chops" if you get my drift. He would hold a head up by his right hand and I stared into its face. Then he would go kill another person and bring me another one. I was horrified because he kept bringing heads to me, yet I was so afraid of the guy that I couldn't do anything about it.

Later, hubby was hiding me from this guy to protect me. This monster drove by in a convertible looking for me; and hubby is yelling at me to keep down so the guy wouldn't see me. I had the feeling that he was after my head.

That's all I can remember. Creepy don't you think?

On a completely different note, I think Clive Owen is just so flippin hot! Hubba hubba!!!

I'm back!

2005-12-06T16:35:00.000-08:00

Hi there and sorry for being gone so long. I haven't had many dreams lately and I haven't been in a "blogging" mood. Do any others go through that???

Thanksgiving was wonderful, I made a great sweet potato pie - yum! I hope that you all had a good Thanksgiving as well.

My nose is still crusty thanks to the Santa Ana winds. They come out of the east and blow towards the ocean; drying up my nose, my skin, my eyes. Blech, I feel like a prune. I got my hair cut and dyed so at least I look like a decent prune.

I saw the movie "Closer" yesterday. It was a great movie, very wicked in many ways. I'm thankful that I never slept with Steve. I wish I could go into my feelings more about that but it wouldn't be wise. You never know who's lurking about.

We had central heat and air installed; I was telling mr_g that a "three day job" was going on two weeks. The guy finally finished yesterday, hooray! It's great having central heat but I miss my floor furnace. Every morning I would wake up, wash my hair and then dry it over the floor heater. For some reason the heat radiating from below made my hair super curly. Now it's just kind of curly. Oh well, nothing major that's for sure.

I brought a pecan pie into work that I made but no one wants to eat any because they are afraid of getting fat. I have to stop cooking things to bring into work because no one eats anything. I'll cook for you, how's that? I want to stop working and start my own baking business but I don't have the funds or a commercial kitchen. If anyone has any ideas about renting commercial kitchens let me know. I would prefer to stay close to home which is in and around the San Gabriel valley.

Let's see, let's see... I don't care if I piss anyone off, a Christmas tree is not a "holiday tree" or a "seasonal tree". Why are people freaking out over that word so much? I don't care about other people's religions and what they do or say, unless it's a wacky satanist of course. They are scary!!! It's a feckin (new word) Christmas tree and that's all there is to it.

My dogs are great, my cat is pissy, and my husband is wonderful. Things are great for me and I hope that they are for you too. I probably won't be on here much until after the holidays, I'm baking up a storm lately so if I don't talk to you soon don't you worry, I'm quite alright!

Thanks!!!

I'm Pissy

2005-11-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

I'm pissy today...

My work neighbor annoys me every day and I try not to let her get to me but I can't help it. In a meeting I was watching here and she just stared into space the whole time. I tried to picture what was going on in her head and all I could imagine or hear in my mind was air.

I have issues with public bathrooms, I don't like using them, especially if someone else is in there. So today I go to um, get rid of some excess weight, and she wants to tag along. I told her to go ahead and I'll come back. It's a private bathroom, you need a key to get in and there is only two stalls in there. Still, she doesn't need to know my business ya know? She couldn't quite understand why I didn't want to go with her and actually got a little put off.

We had a lunch meeting today that she wasn't a part of. When the food arrived I was setting it up and she wanted to help. Now I can appreciate her helping me but if I tell you I don't need help, don't stand there and hover over me and get in my way like you are anticipating that I need something. Don't do this especially if you are fat and block the narrow path that I am in. Again, I think it's nice that she offered to help but when I say no thanks, I kind of mean it.

There is a boutique going on at a local church and I'm in it, selling all the yummy things I make. So far I hear I am doing good but I'm really tired and don't care much. It's not like I'm going to make enough money to buy that pair of Ferragamo's that I want, nor was I counting on that. I don't know, I just am not enthused.

My nose has been crusty for the past month due to allergies. Now I'm getting nose bleeds; had one last Saturday evening driving back from dinner. We were over on the West Side at a outdoor mall called The Grove. It started shortly after we left and I had to drive all the way to Whittier with it, blech. Then Sunday morning it started up again and I missed church. Then today it happened again and I was late to work. I went to the drug store and bought this stuff called Bag Balm and shoved some up my nose. Now my nose is kind of slimey and crusty at the same time. It's really annoying me.

Okay, I'm done bitching.

Picture of Me!

2005-10-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm famous!!! Okay, I'm not but if you want to see a picture of me and my hubby go to http://www.werenotafraid.com/images/734/index.html#. We are on the top row, fouth over from the left; titled Carol H. It's from when we went to Hawaii a couple of years back for our 10th anniversary. We took a trip to the small island of Lana'i (sp?) by sailboat and it was absolutely wonderful. The water was so clear, the weather perfect; we even saw a pod of dolphins racing with the boat. It was the best day ever.

Ahhh - Hawaii...

I Was Free...

2005-10-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

I walked up to one of the swimming pools at Whittier College and wanted to go swimming when I noticed that I didn't have my bathing suit top, bottoms only. I wondered about swimming anyway, looked around and noticed that not many people were there, but Steve was. He wasn't involved really in the dream though and he didn't mean anything to me in the dream, it was like he was just in the background with the others.

I put on my bottoms and dove in, feeling the water envelop me. For the first time in my life I felt free; I didn't care that I wasn't wearing a bikini top, I didn't care if Steve noticed me, I didn't care if I offended anyone. I just floated on top of the water and drifted along, water splashing over my skin. It was great!

Then I woke up, kind of bummed that it was only a dream

How to Poop at Work

2005-10-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I hate public bathrooms, and I especially hate pooping in a public bathroom. I mean, if I can wait until I get home I will, I hate it that much. I find that most people do not know about proper bathroom etiquitte so I here is a guideline for you. I hope that you will share this, so we can all make this a better world to poop in.

Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

My Nipples are Showing!

2005-10-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

I was getting ready for a black tie event that I was going to when I looked down and noticed to my horror that my dress wasn't covering up my nipples! It was a red dress with a low, wide-cut neck and my nipples kept peaking out. I didn't know what to do or how to cover them up but my hair dresser saved the day. She gave me this shear cover-up to wear over my dress. It was the same color and it buttoned at the neck and then just fell over my shoulders - I think they call it a "caplet". So I put the caplet on and I could still see my flippin nips! And it was obvious that I was cold I might add. "Oh well" I thought, I mean if they were going to show then that's the sacrifice I was going to have to make for fashion.

Brian was quite happy though!

Sure it's the End of the World, but I Met Bono!

2005-10-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the world and I'm running because the anti-christ is out to get me. I run into a church (which looked like a hotel) for help and guess who the priest is - Bono! Now I have always loved U2 and Bono is just flippin hot so here is my chance to tell him. I ask a sister there (is that what they call them?) if I could meet with him to discuss "church" business but for real I was going to tell him how much I love him. He comes out of an elevator wearing a priests uniform (sorry, I have no clue what they call it) and blue glasses. Damn, he's still smokin hot! So he comes over all concerned and ready to help me and I tell him how much I loved him in U2. He was humbled, he thanked me and asked me if I needed help with anything but I told him no, I just wanted to stare at him.

Everything changes and I am in the Broadway (an old dept store here in L.A.) and I am looking at a beautiful Wedgewood Jasperware bunt cake pan. Wow, Wedgewood has come a long way to be making cookware out of china. I tried to find a price for it but I couldn't.

I want to go to Geary's in Beverly Hills now and buy some Jasperware but it's too damned expensive! Arrrr!!!

Dreams: Mom Wanted to Kill Herself & My Manager Fired

2005-10-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

I was at my mom's house and she was nervous. I asked what was wrong and she said that she needed me to fill out this pink medical form for her. I asked her what it was for and she said it was a permission slip and all that was needed was my signature. I asked to read the slip and when she wouldn't let me I grabbed it from her. She wanted me to sign a permission to commit suicide form. I yelled at her for trying to trick me into such a thing, but she didn't care. She just kept saying, "I want to die, I just want to die."

There was a huge meeting going on at work and I knew that my boss and his boss were going to get into a huge fight over how business has been handled lately. I walked down the hall and one of the Vice President's pulled me aside and told me to stay away from the meeting, that things would work out. I was confused since I wasn't in the meeting to begin with but I stayed with him. Then I noticed my boss being walked out by some thug who looked as though he was in a Godfather movie. I turned to the VP and asked what the hell was going on and he said that my manager was fired for going against the wishes of the Executive staff. I told him that it was all bullshit and if anyone is let go it should be his manager. I was so pissed I started crying and I felt helpless because there wasn't anything I could do about it.

The mom thing is weird. She has always had severe depression and throughout my life she has told me about wanting to kill herself. After years of saying this it finally dawned on me that she probably won't kill herself so I have stopped worrying about it. I'm sure this dream is reflecting on that.

The boss dream spooks me a bit. He is having a meeting with his boss and the Executive board right as I write, at an offsite conference. I know it's going to get really ugly because these men have huge egos and they like to play games and my boss won't have any part of it. I hope this isn't a premenition dream, that wouldn't be good...

Bits and Pieces

2005-10-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much dream activity lately and I wonder why that is. I haven't had much go on in my life or my mind so maybe that has something to do with it?

I do remember some snippits that I can post:

I won an award for my guest appearance on Seinfeld and Kramer escorted me to the stage while I received the award and made my acceptance speech.
***************************************************
I found out that Thierry Mugler came out with three new fragrances and I just had to go check them out at the local Sephora. When I got there I was surrounded by all sorts of cosmetic and fragrance brands that I almost peed my pants with excitement. I found the perfume I was looking for and I remember the bottles were pink, purple, and blue. I wasn't happy about their scent and then I remember I turned towards the Davies Gate selection and then I found the Fresh cosmetics stand and again almost pissed my pants with excitement.

That's all folks, I know not exciting but at least it's something, right???

Chack's Busted

2005-10-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

My mom is mad at me. No, that’s an understatement – if she could reverse time she would go back to the night that her and my dad conceived me and rather than doing the big “it” she would have told him she had a headache, a migraine, a tumor, or she would have played dead.

What has brought her to this level of anger? Let me tell you my friends…

I am an animal person. I don’t care much for people but for some reason animals get to me. Perhaps it’s because animals don’t have the human propensity to be mean. You don’t see a dog going out and killing for the sake of killing. Even with pit-bulls, there is always a reason – whether we accept that reason or not.

Dogs especially get to me. I think it’s because of the unconditional love that they have for their owners. I have three pooches, each from different backgrounds and they are all wonderful and they love me, day in and day out. Dogs have a way of connecting with humans unlike any other animal in my opinion and I treat that bond as a gift that shouldn’t be messed with.

Okay, back to my mom. She lives in a very nice neighborhood with very few neighbors since these homes are built against some hills. She has a neighbor to her left and one directly across the street from her.

She was telling us on Saturday about the neighbors across the street from her who have a dog which they neglect. My mom was talking to her friend up the street and the friend said that the people who owned the dog didn’t know that their pooch was pregnant. They wouldn’t let the dog inside to help birth her babies and once the babies were born they separated them from the mom and kept them inside, letting them feed only a couple times a day from her. By the time my mom got done telling me this story I was in tears (there was more but I can’t remember it all now).

(begin rant)If you aren’t a dog person, don’t have one. If you aren’t going to take the time to take care of one; give it basic food, shelter, water and love, then don’t have one. There are people that aren’t into animals and that is absolutely fine – just don’t go out and get a Chihuahua or a Golden Retriever because it’s the thing to do, or because your kids beg you to. (end rant)

I ask my mom to call the ASPCA and see if they could check out the situation. She said no because she didn’t want to get involved. I said that it could all be done anonymously and her neighbors would never find out but she refused. She said, “Besides, you know my friend up the street lies all the time so she’s probably lying about all this.” Then two seconds later she said, “You know, I hear that poor dog howl all the time and it’s a sad, mournful howl.”

So what does Chackler do? Yesterday I call the ASPCA. I told them that this might be all heresy but if they could check out the situation that would be great. I didn’t give them my name or my mother’s name. No harm no foul. If the dogs are okay then everything will be fine, right?

So today my mom calls me at work a little bit ago:

“Did you call the animal control?”

“Yes I did”

“SHIT, they are outside right now”

“Mom, I didn’t tell them your name, they won’t know who called”.

“Jesus Chackler, I can’t believe you did this. I’m late, I gotta go.”

She hung up on me… and what is she late to, she doesn’t have a job!!!

I’m thinking I didn’t do a bad thing, did I? I mean, if she wasn’t going to call animal control and there is indeed a problem then in my opinion she’s just as guilty.

So tell me, would you have done the same thing? Did I overreact?

A Little About Me

2005-10-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

Borrowed from DJ Shawn. I hope you don't mind!

Put an x if it applies to you

[ ] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I've run away from home. (i tried to when i was little)
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I have collected comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[x] I curse regularly.
[] I paid for that cell phone ring.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love Spam.
[x] I bake well. (I win ribbons at the LA County Fair!)
[] I would wear pajamas to school.
[x ] I have a job.
[x ] I love Martha Stewart.
[ ] am guilty oF tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am sometimes self conscious. (Sometimes? How about all the time?)
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day. (Use to – smoked a pack and a half a day)
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem. (Depending on the size of the pills)
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I've been out of this country. (Hawaii – yah, still in the US I know, but not the continental US)
[] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I've seen a therapist.
[x] I love chocolate.
[x] I sometimes bite my nails.
[] I play video games
[x] I watch cartoons. (Old Bugs Bunny and Spongebob)
[] Gotten lost in my city.
[x] Saw a shooting star
[x] I had a serious surgery (Not life threatening but I had surgery on my sinuses)
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[x] I have Kissed a Stranger
[x] Hugged a stranger
[ ] Been in a fist fight
[ ] Been arrested
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] Made out in an elevator
[] Swore at your parents
[] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] Been to a casino
[ ] Been skydiving
[] Broken a bone
[x] Skipped school
[ ] Played spin the bottle
[x] Gotten stitches
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[] Bitten somebody
[] Been to Niagara Falls
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[ ]Crashed into a friend's car
[ ] Been to Japan
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[x] Shoplifted
[] Been fired
[] Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
[x] Stole something from your job
[] Gone on a blind date
[x] Lied to a friend
[] Had a crush on a teacher
[] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
[x] Been married (Still am by the way, same person too!)
[ Gotten divorced
[] Saw someone die
[ Been to Africa
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[ ] Been to Canada
[ ] Been to Mexico
[x] Been on a plane
[] Thrown up in a bar
[x] Eaten Sushi (Yes, and I never will again.)
[ ] Been snowboarding
[ ] Been Skiing
[ ] Been to a motor cross show
[ ] Lost a child
[x] Gone to college
[ ] Graduated college
[ ] Done hard drugs
[x] Had someone cheat on you
[x] Miss someone right now
[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Purposely set a part of myself on fire
[x] Purposely hurt myself
[ ] Been in an abusive relationship
[x] Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
[x] Made a snow angel
[] Had a tea party
[] Fly or own a kite
[x] Built a sand castle
[x] Gone puddle jumping
[x] Played dress up (Renaissance Fairs – I have an awesome wench costume.)
[x] Jumped into a pile of leaves
[] Gone sledding
[] Cheated while playing a game
[x] Been lonely
[] Fallen asleep at work/school
[x] Watched the sun set
[x] Felt an earthquake (Of course, I live in Southern California)
[x] Touched a snake
[] Slept beneath the stars ( I want to make love to my hubby under the stars)
[x] Been tickled
[x] Been misunderstood
[x] Won a contest
[x] Ran a red light
[ ] Been suspended from school
[x] Been in a car accident
[x] Had braces
[] Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
[x] Had deja vu
[] kissed someone in the pouring rain
[x] Hated the way you look
[] Pole danced
[x] Questioned your heart
[x] Been obsessed with post-it notes (I’m freaking out because I am on my last 4-pack)
[x] Squished barefoot through the mud
[x] Been lost
[x] Been to the opposite side of the country
[x] Swam in the ocean
[x] Felt like dying
[x] Cried yourself to sleep
[ ] Played cops and robbers
[x] Recently colored with crayons
[] Sang karaoke
[x] Paid for a meal with only coins
[x] Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
[] Made prank phone calls
[x] Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
[] Caught a snowflake on your tongue
[] Danced in the rain
[] Written a letter to Santa Claus
[x] Blown bubbles
[x] Made a bonfire on the beach
[] Crashed a party
[] Gone rollerskating
[] Had a wish come true
[] Worn pearls
[ ] Jumped off a bridge
[]Screamed penis in public
[] Screamed vagina in public
[] Ate dog/cat food
[] Told a complete stranger you loved them
[] Kissed a mirror
[x] Sang in the shower (Almost every day!)
[] Had a dream that you married someone
[x] Glued your hand to something
[ ] Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
[ ] Kissed a fish
[x] Worn the opposite sexes clothes
[] Sat on a roof top
[x] Screamed at the top of your lungs
[ ] Done a one-handed cartwheel
[]Talked on the phone for more then 6 hours
[x] Stayed up all night
[] Didn't take a shower for a week.
[x] Climbed a tree
[] Had a tree house
[x] Are scared to watch scary movies by yourself
[] Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
[ ] Played chicken
[] Pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
[x] Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
[x] Been easily amused (everyday)
[ ] Caught a fish then ate it
[] Caught a butterfly
[x] Laughed so hard you cried
[]Cried so hard you laughed
[x] Had someone moon/flash you
[] Cheated on a test
[] Had a Britney Spears CD
[x] Forgotten someone's name
[x] French braided someone's hair

If you want to know more, feel free to ask - I don't have much to hide.

We don’t have kids, okay?!

2005-10-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

We have been married over 12 years, and all in all I can say we have a good marriage. Our home consists of three dogs and one cat. We do not have kids and don’t know if we are. We are working on that through counseling right now and well, that’s all that needs to be said.

So why – please tell me why, everyone asks us if we have kids and if not, then why not? Like I’m doing something horribly wrong by not pumping out a few children. Women look at me as if I am strange, as if I am not following the job requirements of being a woman. You know what I want to tell them? Fuck you, it’s none of your damned business.

What gets me even more is that I encounter most of this at church. You know the place where we worship God, fellowship with others in our community. We joined a bible study to meet new people and the average age of this group is about 45 – 50. We are the young ones as we are both in our 30’s. We have been a part of this group now for about 6 months and you know what is the most commonly asked question? “Do you have kids? No, why not?” Excuse me, who the fuck are you and why are you asking me these questions?

No, I don’t say that, usually I say something cute like, “No, we don’t have kids but we have dogs.” Are they satisfied with that answer? No, but it usually stops there.

So what has got my panties all in a wad today? I get a call from a woman whom I have never met before. She’s in my group and she needed some information from me as I am one of the newly elected officers. So we are making small talk and she asked me how my schedule is looking for the holidays. I tell her that I can’t believe it but it’s filling up already. Then she says…

“Do you have kids?”

“No we don’t.” I say

“Oh, well how long have you been married?”

“12 years, 13 in May”

“And you are okay with that?” (being married that long without children)

Lets let that sink in a bit. A lady who doesn’t know me, whom I never have spoken to before in my life, asked me if I was okay with my child situation. I didn’t know I had to discuss my relationship with my husband with her. I didn’t know that it was a requirement for salvation, to birth at least two children but preferably more than that. After all, I must populate the earth with more white, middleclass Protestant people.

You want to know why there is so much trouble in Protestant churches, why they get such flack? It’s because people think they know so much, that they know what is required to get into heaven or what will damn you to hell. They are so busy making up rules for others to follow that they forget that they need to worry about themselves first.

I told my husband that I would not resign from my position but the next time this happens I will rip the person apart and then I will resign. I have enough guilt and shame in my life, I don’t need to feel shamed by others.

How would you handle this? Really, I would love to know.

If I Had a Camera Phone

2005-10-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

You would be looking at what I saw yesterday driving home from work. I witnessed something horrifying yet absofuckenlutely hilarious. A HUGE woman, I mean HUGE woman using her rear-view mirror to pluck the facial hair off her face with tweezers.

I kid you not...

I was watching the jaw-dropping scene through my rear-view mirror while I was at a stop. She used one hand to pull the skin of her cheek tight and with other she tweezed the facial hairs. Pluck pluck pluck pluck - man she must have had a full on beard because she just kept pulling hairs out!

I have witness people shaving, putting on make-up, picking their nose, and from what their facial expressions told - masturbating but this was a first.

Thank you hairy face fat lady, wherever you are. You made my day.

Explaination

2005-10-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

I never told Steve's wife about what happened between us. When Husband found out and I ended everything I told Steve that Husband wouldn't say anything to his wife. I wish he or I had said something and it bugs me even now - over a year later.

His wife is gorgeous, a redhead and she's a natural beauty; she doesn't have to work hard to look good. She's a smart lady too; she works at the same scientific laboratory as Steve. I wonder if she knew what he was up to? I asked him time and time again why he would go outside his marriage and he gave me his reasons (bedroom issues) but I don't know if that was the truth or not. I picture her thinking that their marriage is wonderful, that everything is find and dandy when in fact there is a secret about her husband, and I am a part of that secret.

I have toyed with the idea of telling her and have discussed it with Husband. It wouldn't do any good now since it was so long ago; plus it might invite him back into my life in some way and I really don't want that. I could send an anonymous letter but he would know it came from me or my hubby.

My hope is that eventually the guilt will go away but I imagine it will stay with me for the rest of my life. Hell, every time I think I am finally over the whole thing I go and have a dream and the feelings come back. Nothing major enough that I lose sense of reality and want to make contact, but enough to make me kind of sad; to feel that loss again. Oh well, within a few days I will feel better and on to more important things so I'll wait it out.

Two Steve Dreams

2005-10-03T08:22:00.001-07:00

Steve Dream #1

I ended it with Steve and had maintained no contact with him, but I was still able to see him out of my window at work. I wasn't spying on him but every so often I would take a look and see what he was up to.

I was watching him and noticed that he was sad, and knew it was because he hadn't gotten laid in a long time. I then noticed that he had a maid working on cleaning the windows outside his home. I risked pissing off Brian and went over and told him that he should nail his maid. He didn't like the idea and then I explained that since she was headed back to Mexico the next day there would be no commitment involved and he would have his, um...release.

The next morning I looked over to see what he was up to and I could see him sitting on the edge of his bed, and the maid was getting dressed and ready to go. Obviously he had taken my advise and got the outcome that he was hoping for. I wasn't jealous at all, in fact I was happy that I was able to help.

Steve Dream #2

My dad found out I had an affair and he was pissed. My mom found all the e-mails and letters between us and instead of dealing with it herself she turned them over to my dad. I was absolutely freaked out because I was thinking my dad was going to beat the shit out of me. I kept yelling at her, "Why did you tell dad, you didn't have to do that!" She said that she had no choice.

I'm then looking at a Fed-ex filled with the evidence of the affair; the envelope addressed to Steve's wife. "Shit, this is serious and Steve is going to be pissed." I'm thinking. My dad comes home and sure enough, he's pissed. He's screaming at me, face red with anger and his upper lip curled under his teeth. "I'm sending this to his wife, she needs to know what's going on." I'm thinking of all the ways I can intercept the Fed Ex; after all, I promised him that nothing was going to be said to his wife.

The scene starts to fade but Steve is talking to his wife and he's wearing a blue and white striped shirt with a red tie. They are arguing about what happened and I don't remember if he confessed to the whole thing of if he was trying to lie his way out of it.

Then my dogs started howling and I woke up. LOL!

I'll comment on another post, there is too much on this one to keep it going.

Stomach Flu

2005-10-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, there is nothing more humiliating than the bodily functions that result from the stomach flu.

Ick.

Raider Nation

2005-09-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

Raider Nation. If you live in the greater Los Angeles area you have seen the people of this nation, usually of Hispanic descent, displaying their loyalty on their cars, shirts, hats and bodies. Personally, I don't get it - I don't get the whole fascination with this team.

What's up with the skull and swords, and the do-rag across the forhead? Is this some sort of pirate wear, some uniform? It looks rather evil, don't you think?

And then what about this lovely lady. I give her cudos for doing the splits, I'm not overweight but I sure as hell can't perform such acrobatic maneuvers. So I'm thinking that this nation doesn't discriminate against overweight people.

Now this guy, he is so "down" with his team that he's willing to lay some ink on his back to show his loyalty. You go homey!

Holy crap - they even brain washed the dogs!

Now I am a Packers fan - don't you think the people and their pets of our little nation of cheese is much better???

I rest my case.

Bloody Dream & My Ear Fell Off

2005-09-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

Bloody Dream

I was in an empty lot, right next to a mini-mart of some sort. I’m standing there witnessing two huge black guys dressed in dark blue killing people. They belong to a gang but for the life of me I can’t figure out why they are killing people that obviously aren’t affiliated with any gangs.

One of the gang members finds a guy in a suit, forces him to lay down, and while the guy is alive saws him in half lengthwise; starting from the head. Blood and brain matter is flying everywhere and the man is screaming in pain and his body is just flapping all over the place, like a fish. The gang guy had this horrible crazy look on his face – like he was getting off doing this to another human being.

I turn and look at the other gang person and he has a lifeless form lying in front of him. The guy takes two knives and just starts chopping this person into little pieces – chopping him like a chef at a Japanese Restaurant. Again, blood is flying all over as body parts just fall the side of this guy.

I’m thinking that I better do something or else I am next so I lay there and play dead. While I’m doing that I hear gun fire between some cops that show up and the bad guys but I am afraid to look to see what’s happening because I don’t want to get chopped up.

Crap, My Ear Fell Off!

I can’t believe it, I’m holding my right ear in my hand, it fell off! I’m not in any pain, no blood, nothing like that – just this rubbery piece of flesh in my hands. I talk to Husband about what to do and he suggests taking it to a doctor to figure out how to put it back on. The problem is that I started growing another ear in its place, but it looked way different.

I get to the doctor and she tells me that she could sew it on but it might look funny to have two ears on the right side and only one on the other. All of the sudden I go on this long rant to her about how they have to match - that it’s all about symmetry. I finally decide that I won’t sew it back, that I will have just the one new ear on the right because even though it looks different, at least my head won’t be off balance.

A Texas Chili Contest

2005-09-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Scrotum Stapling!

2005-09-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

You know, I just love these stories! I found this one on the Darwin Awards site...

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other then to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples; admitting him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, a broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.

The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less then a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me.

An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.

I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.

By Dr. William A. Morton, Jr. MD, a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania

More on the Wacky Penis Pumper

2005-09-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

Yikes, he was greasing up his penis!!! I have bolded my favorite parts. Lordy, I can't get enough of this story!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0121051judge1.html

"Pump" Judge Gets Popped

Charge former Oklahoma jurist with exposing self on bench

JANUARY 21--The Oklahoma judge who was forced from the bench last year for using a penis pump in court (among other really gross acts) was charged yesterday with indecent exposure for his judicial indiscretions. Donald Thompson, 58, entered a not guilty plea yesterday to three felony counts during an appearance in Creek County District Court, where he worked until resigning last August. According to the below yucky probable cause affidavit, Thompson exposed himself during three separate 2003 cases (two of which were murder trials). For example, on May 13, while he was presiding over State v. Kurt Arnold Vomberg (who was accused of killing his girlfriend's 21-month-old daughter), Thompson loudly pumped himself up. Two court employees told investigators that they saw Thompson (pictured in the mug shot at right) attach the suction device to his penis, while five jurors reported hearing whooshing sounds, which they thought were coming from either a bicycle pump, blood pressure cuff, or an air cushion on the judge's chair. After a January 7 search of Thompson's former courtroom and chambers yielded items that tested positive for seminal fluid, investigators secured a search warrant to obtain a DNA sample from the ex-jurist. During testimony last year before the Council on Judicial Complaints, Thompson denied masturbating on the bench, using the penis pump, or depositing urine or semen into a wastebasket under his bench. Thompson's demise was triggered by a complaint filed against him last June by the Oklahoma Attorney General, who sought to oust the jurist for a variety of illicit behavior, which the AG detailed in a removal petition. Along with using the penis pump, Thompson also allegedly shaved and oiled his private parts, according to accounts given to state investigators by a clerk, trial witnesses, and a court reporter. If convicted of the indecent exposure counts, Thompson could face a maximum of 10 years in prison on each charge. (7 pages)

Penis Pumping Judge - Hilarious

2005-09-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

This is great! A judge in Oklahoma was wacking off, IN COURT, with his penis pump! Oh lordy, could you imagine being in the court, watching him make all those goofy faces as he's getting off?! Would he bang his gavel when he climaxed?

I love it - just love it!

Jurors Will See Judge's Alleged Sex Toy
- By KELLY KURT, Associated Press Writer
Tuesday, September 20, 2005

(09-20) 15:38 PDT Bristow, Okla. (AP) --

Jurors hearing the case against a former judge accused of exposing himself in his Creek County courtroom will be allowed to see the sex toy at the center of the state's allegations, a judge ruled Tuesday in rejecting a defense motion.

They also can hear testimony that a second "penis pump" was seen under former District Judge Donald Thompson's bench, among other evidence Thompson's attorneys sought to have barred from next week's scheduled trial.

"It's so fantastic and so unconnected to factual support, and so prejudicial," attorney Clark Brewster complained in trying to convince Judge C. Allen McCall to suppress some state evidence.

Thompson, 58, who spent more than 20 years on the bench before stepping down more than a year ago, faces three counts of indecent exposure.

Prosecutors allege he masturbated with a penis pump under his robe while presiding over two murder trials and a civil trial in 2003. Thompson denies the allegations and said the penis pump seized in the case was a gag gift from a friend.

Brewster argued that the state should be prevented from submitting the device as evidence, contending that not only did it not function but that it also was sawed in half while in the state's custody.

Prosecutor Pattye High said an Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation chemist followed procedure in sawing the pump in two to swab it for DNA evidence. McCall denied the defense request.

The judge also refused a defense motion to prevent testimony from a courtroom reporter who said she discovered a different penis pump under the judge's bench in 2001.

Brewster said there was no evidence to link the pump to his client, but High countered that the testimony would help show "this defendant committed the same crime over and over and over again."

McCall took other issues raised by Thompson's team under advisement, including testimony from a woman who prosecutors said had a sexual relationship with Thompson and the admission of 180 hours of courtroom tapes they said contained the whooshing sound of the penis pump in use.

Brewster said he hadn't received the tapes until Friday and had no time to have an expert evaluate them or verify certain "enhanced" portions provided by prosecutors.

"If the jury is going to listen to these, they're going to need to listen to 180 hours," he also told the judge.

The trial is scheduled to begin Monday when attorneys begin questioning a 350-member jury pool. The trial is expected to last one to two weeks, High said.

Tuesday's hearing offered a glimpse at the lurid details jurors can expect to consider and even see if the judge decides prosecutors can admit a photo they say will be used by a witness to identify Thompson's penis.

Brewster had sought to have much of Tuesday's motions sealed, arguing that they contained anecdotal remarks from hundreds of people "with literally crazy things to say." He said media coverage of the hearing could taint potential jurors.

McCall refused, citing the public's right to know and the media's right to report. He allowed Brewster and High to agree on some of the contested claims before they were argued in the courtroom.

Brewster said some of the state's evidence would never be raised in a routine indecent exposure case.

"Because we've got a public figure, we want to vilify," he said.

But McCall said Thompson would be treated to the same fair trial guaranteed any other citizen.

He also made it clear that the former judge would not receive special treatment. When Thompson, who is free on bond, briefly stepped from the courtroom, McCall admonished Brewster, telling him the former judge should have asked for permission first.

If convicted, Thompson would face up to 10 years in prison and a $20,000 fine on each charge and would have to register as a sex offender upon his release.

URL: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/n/a/2005/09/20/national/a153835D50.DTL

Another Exorcist Dream

2005-09-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm young and in the house I grew up - in my parents bedroom. The chick from the Exorcist is on the bed yelling and screaming horrible things regarding Satan, our souls and God. Evil in the form of words are spewing out of her mouth and I'm there, looking right at her, as if I were her target.

I look for my dad but he's not there, he's trying to find a priest to perform an exorcism on her; I'm all alone with the evil and I am paralyzed with fear. She started to get violent, tossing about on the bed, contorting her body and writhing in anguish. She was trying to get me and by get me she was trying to possess me so I try and hide. I take a blanket and I hide behind my parents armoire. I can even see the little pink pattern woven into the blankie. There I wait for the priest, with her still screaming in the background, and me hoping she doesn't see me, possess me, or worse, have a demon possess me.

Today's Humor

2005-09-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

For the dog lovers out there...

For the depressed.

Another Failed Test

2005-09-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

I dreamt the other night that I was in highschool, taking a test. I didn't study for it at all, the teacher knew this and was trying to make things worse for me. He kept hovering over me, asking me if I was having problems. I wanted him to leave me alone so I can at least try and answer one or two questions but he wouldn't. I was looking up at him and he was this huge intimidating figure, and he knew I was a fuck up and he was waiting to call me on it.

The scene switches and I'm not allowed to graduation, instead I am to wait just outside the stage and watch everyone that graduated pass by me, like it was punishment. I looked for others who were in my position but I was alone.

Okay, I'm getting tired of these types of dreams. Why can't I have a yummy dream????

The Results Please...

2005-09-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

2 - 1st place ribbons, 2 - 2nd place ribbons, 3 - 4th place ribbons!!!

Check you out Chackler!!!

This year the fair changed the labeling on the jars so you couldn't really see what was inside - it covered the entire jar - and the label did not tell you what was inside, what a pisser. I guess it will be a suprise when I receive my ribbons.

Wow, what a relief that it's all over, even better that I placed in some categories. The stress has caught up to me though; between all the baking and canning, then the golf tourney last week, my body has been tapped. I have a horrible cold, and a huge white icky spot on the back of my throat. Oh well, it was worth it!!!

Ugh – I’m not good with people I’m afraid…

2005-09-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have a co-worker, she’s sitting about 15 feet away from me right now. She’s an older lady but not too old, maybe in her late 50’s. We don’t relate, at all. Coworker is a Christian as am I, but you can tell she’s very old-fashioned. People are scared to swear around her for fear that they might “upset” her. I try not to swear around her but I’m only human, and I am of the mind that I won’t really go out of my way to please others. That might not be very Christian like but it’s how I am made up. Believe me, I have tried being someone I am not and quite frankly, I suck at it.

So anywho, Coworker is also very VERY slow, and she seems make even the simplest things complicated. I don’t know if this is a mental thing or if she just is slow to catch onto things. I learned soon after I started working here not to ask her for help. The times that I have I have regretted it. Even asking her to staple some forms together takes a lengthy explanation as well as examples. I am not a patient person so I just assume do everything myself. It’s just much easier for me.

I put on golf tournaments for the company I work for, and tomorrow I have one – so today is my prep day. What tee signs I have here in the office I will be taking to the course in the morning. Six tee signs, a couple small buckets for the raffle tickets, and a notebook had to be loaded into my car. That’s it, two simple trips to my car and that’s it. She asked if she could help and I said told her I was fine. Then she asked if she could get the door for me. Very politely I told her that it was okay, that I could push the door open with my bum so no help needed.

SHE GOT PISSED!!!!!

I’m sorry but I learned the last time she loaded up my car – don’t ever let her help me again. She just has that knack for making a mountain out of a molehill. Here is an example: instead of telling me she had to go to the bathroom, she will take a half hour to tell me about taking her water pill and how she has to time it just right or else if she takes it too early she’s stuck on the freeway and she has to go. So she has to take the pill here and she’s got twenty minutes before it hits. When she said that I took out my 357 magnum, cocked it and swallowed the barrel. Fortunately for me, and all of you, she finally went “down the hall” so I didn’t have to pull the trigger.

She watches her stories (soaps) every day and I think she really believes they are real.

One day she started clucking like a chicken – for no reason. She just started clucking.

Sigh – damned if you do Carol and damned if you don’t.

If I ever start acting like that, get my gun and shoot me, please. I don’t ever want to cause anyone such misery.

Should I have let her help me?

Preminition Dream and Blackheads on My Elbows?

2005-09-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Possible Preminition Dream??

I wonder if this is some sort of premonition... I dreamt last night that I didn't win any ribbons at the LA County Fair for the stuff I entered. I stood in front of the case and all my enteries were there, lined up next to each other in a row. My entries were the only ones that didn't have any ribbons whatsoever. I was so humiliated because people knew I was a loser; I was so ashamed.

Blackheads on My Elbows?

Say it isn't so! I was checking out my elbows, making sure that they were clean and lo and behold, I had huge blackheads on them! I was totally freaked out, yet kind of giddy that I get to pop them. I squeezed on one and it popped out but it was in slow motion and I could see the skin pushing the blackhead up and out; a hole was left behind. After I pushed them all out I had little holes all over my elbows and I was kind of bummed because I had fun popping the blackheads out.

Regarding the dream about the fair, I really don't care if I win any ribbons or not, it was the humiliation portion that freaked me out. That I didn't like at all as it exposed my greatest insecurity - being thought of as beneath others..

Blackheads on my elbows?! I better exfoliate more!

I'm On My Soapbox So Watch Out!

2005-09-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

I’m stepping up on my soapbox for a moment.

I hear many complaints that our government is not doing enough to help the hurricane victims. All I have to say is this: Hello, it takes a bit of time, don’t ya think???

Now I cannot imagine what people are going through and I hope to dear God that I am never in that position. I know it’s utter chaos in New Orleans right now and mob rule has pretty much taken over, but please keep in mind. This hurricane happened only three days ago. THREE DAYS AGO!

Yes, I do think that we should have been more prepared, after all – the government saw this coming, just as we all did, on the news, etc. But think of this, there are hundreds of thousands of people in need of help, serious help. They don’t need just a shirt, or a place to sleep for a few days, they are going to need months of help, months! That’s not something you throw together overnight. Lord, who knows how long it’s going to take to prepare for what’s going to be needed.

I believe the government is doing everything they can. No, it’s not going to be perfect. No, there isn’t going to be mass evacuations and health care all within the next day or two. BUT yes, it will happen within the next few days – I do believe that. And I do believe that once a solid plan is in place people will feel safer, more at ease, and better able to cope with this tragedy. May God be with everyone, from the survivors to the volunteers, the National Guard, to the local churches, shelters and police.

Oh yah, and to those who find excuses for the looting – FUCK YOU! I can completely understand breaking into a store to get water and food for yourself or your child. I don’t condone it, but I sure as hell would do it if it came to that. Come on though, stealing a TV, jewelry, luggage or some souvenir crap from a store is inexcusable. This is not getting back at society and this sure as hell isn’t self preservation. This is mob mentality and I hope there is a level in hell reserved for these people.

Okay, I’m off my soapbox for now but I might just get back on again if I see more shit that pisses me off. I know, this is very unchristian like and I should have more patience but oh well – I am only human.

Heaven and Hell

2005-09-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

I found out I was going to heaven, Brian and my dog Boomer were going to hell.

I wasn’t there yet though and wouldn’t be for a while, I was just “chosen” to go. Many people were but we weren’t told when, so we were left to roam. Somehow those that knew they were going to hell started picking on us, making fun of us, hurting us. There was definitely a sense of fear throughout this dream. Fear of those who turned on me; even my pooch Boomer hated me.

I tried talking to Brian about it but he hated me. Not your usual hate, this was Nazi kind of hate, extreme and violent. When I knew that there was no getting to him I left and tried to get to safety. Unfortunately everyone knew I was going to heaven and they weren’t so I was a walking target.

I came across this old couple who convinced me that they could help me. They lead me to this stone courtyard, I could even see the individual bricks laid out on the ground, and the entire scene turns grey. We were suddenly surrounded by evil people and I couldn’t figure out if the old couple betrayed me or not. We managed to get out of there and get to some shelter where others were hiding from the evil ones. We decided to sit and wait until it was time to leave. We just huddled together in this tight little space and we waited – because either someone was going to come and kill us or someone was going to come and take us to heaven.

Give If You Are Able

2005-08-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

American Red Cross

Salvation Army USA

Diamond Ring and Symbolism

2005-08-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Husband gave me this beautiful diamond solitare, from Tiffany's no less! It was a square cut diamond, absolutely flawless, about a carat in size, and set in a thick band of platinum. We were already married and this ring replaced my previous ring. It sparkled like nothing I have ever seen before and I was absolutely mezmerized by it.

A few days later I had noticed that it was dirty so I took it to a jewelry shop in Monterey Park to have it cleaned. When I got it back it was tarnished, the diamond was coated in a soapy film and it lost all of it sparkle. I was so pissed that I went back to the jeweler and asked what the hell they did to my ring. They didn't have an explaination as to what happened and offered to clean it up again but I told them forget it.

We got home and I scratched on the diamond and I slowly started removing some of the caked on crap. As I kept scraping I could see the beauty in the diamond slowly emerging and though and I was very relieved, to a certain extent - filled with hope.

To me, the symbolism is obvious. The diamond ring represents our marriage for many years; perfect. But then the marriage wasn't feeling so perfect to me; the uncertainty of wanting kids started to really bother me, the feeling that I was missing something, that life was going by and I was stuck. So then Steve comes along and fantasy takes over and I get caught up in an unrealistic world, which convinced me that that I was really missing out. To me, this represents the dirt all over the ring, the once perfect diamond (marriage) was now coated in filth (adultery). The scratching junk off the diamond represents the life after the affair. After Husband found out about the relationship I ended it immediately, and we got into therapy right away. (It did help that the affair didn't go far, it was emotional and the only physical contact was kissing. Yes, that is just as bad as sleeping with someone so please, don't feel you need to point that out to me. ) The therapy has helped so much, and in some weird way our marriage is better than ever. We still have issues to work out; I still don't know if I want children and he definitly does. This is the last major hurdle but we are working on it and moving forward and that's all that counts.

Nasty Dream, hee hee hee

2005-08-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

I had a nasty dream - with the lead character from the tv show "House". Hugh Laurie is his name and he's a British actor. The scary thing though, he is in one of my favorite British tv shows from long ago called Black Adder and he's a complete dork! He has these huge bug eyes and he's tall and rail thin. But he didn't look that way in the dream, and he is rather handsome in the tv show he's on now.

So we were outside a classroom, totally making out and I stopped it because I had to get to class. I get there and there is a guest speaker, and it's him - Dr. House. I start to snicker because of what we were doing before class. All these girls were looking at him with starry eyes and little did they know I was getting it on with him.

Then the dream turned into something about eye shadow. I was purchasing a kit with pink and charcoal grey shadows and I wanted to make my eyes look kind of goth. Someone was explaining to me that the pink would go on first as the base, then the charcoal on top creating a soft yet gothy look.

So then I wonder, is it committing adultery if you get it on with someone in your dreams, even when that person is a television character? I have always wondered about that.

And what's up with wanting to look goth? Yah, I'm 35 now - kind of did some growing up.

Cigarettes and Tampons - A Joke

2005-08-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

My Dogs

2005-08-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned my dogs in recent dreams. We have three of them: Boomer, a Brittany and the newest addition, Annabelle, a cocker mix; she's my baby girl who acts like she should wear a helmet and ride the short bus everywhere. Then there is Snickers, a terrier mix. We have had him the longest and he can make you melt with his big brown eyes.

Here's my "moomers"

Here's Annabelle, aka - The Goose

And lastly, here is Snickers. He's eating an orange but he would rather be eating a piece of poo.

Observing Wolves – with a Brittany?

2005-08-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Note: I’m observing everything in this dream, only participating towards the end.

Steve was going to Yellowstone again to study wolves. Hmmm, he’s not as handsome as I thought he was. He’s gained weight; his beard is thicker, like a lumberjack, and its light brown, like he bleached it. He’s balder, with a small patch of brown hair on top of his head. I kept wondering what happened to him, was this really the guy that I got wrapped up in a couple of years back? What the hell was I thinking?!?!

He and his friends are packing up their gear and Steve whistles for his dog, a Brittany. I start laughing at him – Brittany’s aren’t hunting dogs, like hounds; they are retrievers. Steve always had an air of arrogance about him and to see him make this mistake was hilarious in my eyes. JPL programmer my ass, for all his smarts he didn’t know he was taking the wrong dog. Then I notice that the dog he’s taking is my dog – Boomer. WTF?! Nope, no way is he getting my dog. I get all huffy and I’m trying to figure out how to burst into the scene and get my pooch, the Boomfreakah, outta there before he gets killed out in the wild. I managed to whistle for Boomer and he comes a runnin, big old dorky look on his face, all full of love. We get out of there before anyone finds us and I wake up.

Boomer is the dog pictured next to my profile. He’s a Brittany and he’s a hunting school flunky. He’s a lover, not a hunter! LOL! I have to post some pics of the dogs up here so you all can see them.

It’s great that the dreams with Steve lately haven’t been affecting me like they use to. I would imagine that sooner or later they will subside and that will be a good thing. Not that I hate the guy because I don’t, just he’s out of my life now so I don’t even need him in my dreams.

Hi Ho!!!

2005-08-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't had many memorable dreams these past few days. I remember little clips here and there but that's about it so I'll at least share those.

Dreamt of Steve, he was talking to me about something but I don't remember what.
Lime green flats with sequins on the tops, like something you would find at a bizarre in India.
Fretting over not posting anything on my blog.
Canning peaches and making peach preserves for the fair coming up.

See, told you, nothing major. Hopefully things will pick up soon, especially as the fair gets closer and I obsess more about my baking and what I am going to enter.

Oh yah, I should tell you - I am an avid cook and every year I compete in the Los Angeles County Fair; in the preserved foods and baking competitions. Last year out of the nine items I entered I won seven ribbons; I even took 1st place for my pomegranate jelly. I also have a small side business where I make pies and cakes for people during the holidays, as well as gift baskets with all sorts of homemade goodies like pumpkin bread, biscotti, chocolate loaves, and my favorite - rum balls! So, if any of you in So. Cal. need anything made for the holidays, let me know and we will figure something out.

Bees!!!

2005-08-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

The bee population is dwindling and it’s up to me, Chackler, to save it. I mean, if there are no bees then flowers won’t get pollinated, my tomato plants won’t produce, and what the heck will happen to the worlds honey supply? I sit there and ponder the consequences and decide it must be me to save the world from such a loss.

I get a fur rug, white polar bear to be exact, and I take a little bee egg and put it on the rug. The egg looks like a peach pit, only super small. It’s woody and has all sorts of pits in it. I admire how such an ugly thing can turn into a bee, when fertilized.

Fertilized, shit – I need some bee sperm, thankfully there just happens to be some right in front of me. The sperm looks like a drop of water, with a little itty bitty baby bumble bee inside. So I take the egg and put it up next to the spermie and the spermie migrates right over to the egg and fertilizes it – right there on the rug.

I smile in triumph; I have saved the bee population. I walk away with a satisfied look, people might not remember me, but at least the bees will.

Alien Invasion, Sausage and Cheese

2005-08-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

(note: in this dream I switch from the observer to participant. I'm going to try and describe it as best as I can but it might be difficult)

Holy crap, there is an alien invasion, but I am too busy buying sausage at the grocery store. You see, they won't sell me the sausage unless I provide proof of insurance. "What the fuck, why do you need my insurance card"? "Because there is a risk of you getting sick and we don't want you to sue us". Much to my disgust I give her my insurance card and get out of there.

I get home and see a family freaking out because aliens have landed on one of the moons of Saturn. Their tv shows a huge pink egg decending, eventually disappearing into a body of water. Lightening is flashing everywhere and the clouds light all around from the fireworks display.

Flash to the White House. There is a meeting of high ranking generals trying to figure out what to do.
"If they try and land here, we can send a missle and nuke them in the air".
"No, no, no, if fall-out lands on us we will never hear the end of it in the media".
"What if we send a missle to the moon it's on?"
"No, it wouldn't get there in time; the aliens would see it and blow it up."

I'm watching the family again and they are preparing for the invasion. They are hiding in a deep canyon, huge rock jetting up around them. They are shredding cheese, cheddar cheese to be exact. Mountains of cheese piling up, finely shredded, chunks broken up, bricks just just tossed one on top of the other.

Cheese seems to be their key to survival. That is, until I bring up a very important question. "You know, if you eat all that cheese you are going get constipated. Have you thought about how you are going to handle that"? They all stop and look at me, confusion written all over their faces, apparently they hadn't thought about that.

Then I woke up.

Note to Everyone

2005-08-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

I want to thank all of you who stop by to visit my blog. This is blog is a great way for me to sort out all the dreams I have which I truly believe has to do with the way my life has been lived thus far. Your comments are appreciated and welcomed.

In keeping with that, I would appreicate it if you would not advertise your websites, services and products using my blog, especially without my permission. As I did yesterday, any solicitations on my site will be deleted promptly.

The weekend is upon us, the weather is cooler (at least in Los Angeles) and my husband, three dogs, one cat and a margarita will all be there when I get home. It can't get any better than that. Unless of course there's also a pair of Manolo Blahniks there as well, but that aint going to happen.

Very Interesting

2005-08-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

I spoke with my therapist and told her about my dreams on Sunday and here's her take on them. The first dream, where I was trying to hide from the tornado's, could be a representation of growing up. In the dream I thought I was safe hiding under a blanket in my home but I wasn't, the demons found me. Growing up, there were lots of times where I didn't feel comfortable in my own home because we never knew what kind of mood my dad was going to be in. It was kind of like we were "on guard", never completely comfortable at home.

The second one, I don't about - seems very Freudian to me, but who knows. She seems to think that the blood represents my femininity (menstration). Possibly it meant that my father never really recognized me as a girl, that he didn't know how to treat me or "cherish" me. Which then leads to why I tend to be really charming around men, older men especially. LIke I am trying to charm my dad??

I know that I am like that around men and always have been. It use to be ( and still is to a degree) automatic for me to flirt or charm men but since the whole Steve thing went down I have pulled back. Now that I am more aware of how I was I can totally see that how I was deliberatly acting like that, to gain their favor. And by the way, no - Steve didn't hurt me or anything like that, we were friends but it got a bit out of hand emotionally. Mr_g, that's why I totally agree to Gina's comment on your rules post the other day. Anywho, that part makes sense, but the whole blood/femininity thing sounds goofy to me.

Another Dream Link

2005-08-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

First let me say I do not know the validity of this site, nor the articles they have written. I haven't had the time to read through that much of it. The authors stated at the bottom that they were featured in the Los Angeles Times but that doesn't earn points with me - I can't stand the LA Times.

So anywho, check it out if you wish. There isn't a lot out there regarding dreams. I mean there is, but most of it is some sort of spiritual new age crap that I am not into; makes it kind of difficult to weed through it all.

Dream Dictionary

Color and Dreams

2005-08-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

I think I need to find out what color means in my dreams. Last night I had a dream about white lace on a wedding dress. The other night I mentioned another dress, white with a black skirt and a red sash. Orange background in my tornado dream and red all over the place a couple of nights ago - the colors have got to be a symbol for something.

I am assuming that white probably symbolizes purity, black - sin? What about red, would that be sin as well? If anyone has any ideas please feel free to post them and if I find anything I will post it as well.

Dream Links

2005-08-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

I found these two sites yesterday, if anyone is interested on dream interpretation.

Freud: The Interpretation of Dreams

Principles of Christian Dream Interpretation

I haven't read through them both at a glancing they seem pretty fun. For those that are Christian and believe dream interpretation is wrong, it is not. Dreams are mentioned several times in scripture, especially prophetic dreams, keep an open mind and check it out....

Bad Dreams - All Night Long

2005-08-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

This dream is hard to describe for me, the dream was in orange and black, kind of like how when a photographer sticks a colored lens on a camera. Tornadoes are everywhere - possessed by demons and they were hell bent to destroy me and everything around me. I run inside my house, into my bedroom, and throw my quilt over me. I'm thinking I'm okay, that as long as the tornadoes don't see me I'll be okay. The phone rings, "shit, who is that." I pick it up and it's a demonic voice, telling me he's going to kill me. "No, no - nooo!" I scream, literally. Brian shakes me awake and though it was just a dream I was totally freaked.

In another dream I have a headache and my dad was yelling at me for not trying his method of taking the pain away, laying in a pool of blood. I'm looking at a large puddle of blood in front of me, deep red and very smelly; flies flittering above. My pop gets frustrated with me because of my refusal and he tells me that it's because the real reason why I am to lay in the blood is because if I don't, I'll lose my salvation and go to hell. I still refuse, thinking that God wouldn't do that to me, and I walk away; but I'm doubting myself the entire time. "Why would my dad do that to me? Maybe he's right?"

There were other dreams as well but these were the two most vivid ones. I absolutely hate my demonic dreams and I'm probably going to have issues with sleep the next couple days because of this.

Poker Party, The Broadway, Chanel, and Makeup:

2005-08-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

Poker Party:

It’s night time and a group of friends and I were walking around Hollywood. We stop to peek through a door and notice that inside is a bunch of poker games going on. Men sitting at round tables, cigars in one hand, cards in another, booze close by – my kind of party. “Right on, let’s go in!”

We go in and there are all these women and I’m wondering what the heck happened to the men. Not only were there all these women but some of them were making out with each other. I start looking for the men and I go into a back room where groups of about five or six older men are playing cards. They looked like they came straight from the movie Goodfella’s. Burgandy velvet curtains hung from the walls, and the caramel color of bourbon filled their glasses. I figure that it’s better than being in the other room with the women getting it on so I hang out there to play cards with them.

The Broadway

I was shopping for a new jacket for my husband when my old manager from the Broadway came up to me and asked me to work the closing shift. I snapped at him and told him that I don’t work there anymore so I am not obligated to close that evening. He’s upset and I start to feel guilty about not working but I still walk away, pissed that he had the nerve to ask me to work, yet guilt ridden that I let them down. I figure it’s their problem, not mine but still get out of there quickly so I don’t run into anyone else that might ask me to stay.

Some of my favorite things: Dolce & Gabbana, Chanel clothes and make-up!!

Brian and I are at a mall and we are looking for an evening dress for me. We walk into the Dolce & Gabbana store and I find this beautiful dress. It’s a short, white strapless dress with soft black feathers on the skirt and a beautiful red belt, but it was more like a obi – a wide sash wrapped around the waste. I hold it up to Brian and he tells me to get it but I tell him that it's probably not appropriate for the function we were attending so we leave the store. We walk down the mall and I notice that there are no more expensive stores, like D & G, Chanel, Neiman’s, etc… I see a Sears and tell Brian we are definitely headed in the wrong direction. We ask someone to point us back in the right direction and we find a Chanel store. Now, it’s no secret that I am a huge Chanel fan, though I don’t own once piece of their clothing. I’m all giddy because I am actually going to buy something from them!!! We pull on the door to go inside but it’s locked, they are closed. They wouldn’t let us in because we aren’t FRENCH! Can you believe that crap?!

The dream morphs into me searching for a good facial mask and I end up at a store in Glendale, next to my husband’s work. They didn’t have what I wanted but they could special order it for me. Brian wasn’t happy about going back to the store to pick up my makeup but they said that they could either mail it to me, or ship it to a store closer to my home. I told them to send it to a store closer to my home; Brian was relieved that he didn’t have to walk back into that store.

I’m thinking I need to lay off the breakfast burritos for dinner!

Trust and my Comfy Pillow

2005-08-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting on the couch in my living room and Brian comes in…

“I need to look at your computer”.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t trust you. You have 82 files on there that I haven’t seen and I haven’t checked your e-mail”

“Honey, I thought everything was okay. I thought I had earned your trust back.”

“If you don’t let me check everything I’ll leave.”

“No, check if it will make you feel better. I don’t understand what brought this on though.”

“You were up last night on the computer and I don’t know who you were talking to.”

“I wasn’t talking to anyone; I was on a blog while the pooches were outside doing their business. I don’t understand, what brought this on?”

Brian kicks me out and I end up taking my pillow and going to the dry cleaners, which was inside an auto garage. I ask if I can live there and when Brian comes by to drop off his dry cleaning I’ll ask him if I can come back home. The dry cleaner guy has a mustache, wears a blue shirt and talks in Armenian. I think to myself that I would be safe here, since I am Armenian too and he would protect me until Brian comes around.

Brian shows up and I stand there looking at him, holding my pillow and giving him the puppy dog eye look but he tells me that he has to get to work and leaves, with me chasing after him.

I start crying but then I realize that I too have to go to work and I’m late. The scene switches to my mothers backyard but only it’s The Broadway and they are having a sale and I’m going to be busted for being late. The pool is actually the stockroom where all the china and crystal is kept and I am talking to my manager, asking her to get me out of this mess that I am in. She tells the store manager that I am sick and that’s why I am late. I start crying because Brian is gone, I have no home and I was late for work.

Holy crap, that was a long dream. I was mad at Brian this morning too, for leaving me – even though it was a dream. Hee hee, I suppose I’m going to have to make that up to him later. ;-)

1:34am

2005-08-03T01:34:00.000-07:00

Had another dream regarding Steve. This time we were working together but because the company was so big I never saw him. I was driving around, trying to see if I could find his car, hoping that he wouldn't catch me, but he does. I tell him that he can't be here but he told me that it's his job so he can't help being there. I say something about how he can't park near me again but he pointed out that it was me who sought his car out, not the other way around. I get pissed because he called me on this, get back into my car and drive off, only to hid in some car repair shop because I was ashamed.

I have tried four times know to analyze this one, but I am so flippin tired that I can't write what I want to say. I'm going to let my pooch Annabelle back in from outside and go back to sleep because really, sleep is much more important! LOL!!!

Goodnight all...

No Time Again But Time for This...

2005-08-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't had time to post my dreams but I haven't really remembered much these past few days. I did dream that I made pumpkin bread and took it into work, only to have the ladies here get mad at me because they are all dieting. Funny thing is - that did happen sort of! I mean, I did make pumpkin bread (for church on Sunday) and I brought the leftovers here into work. The two women here wouldn't have any because they were dieting. They didn't get mad, they just kind of moped about.

Wow, premanition dream perhaps? I have had those before...

The last week of September 1987 I dreamt that we would have an earthquake, one week later we did, in the town that I grew up in. We had lots of damage but nothing done to the foundation of the house, thank goodness. Go figure, it was the day my parents left for Boston, so my friend and I were going to have a party at my house. Yah, that didn't work out too well.

Also, it was summer of the same year and I was working. I was 17 and just getting over my boyfriend who had up and left three months earlier. He was five years older than me and a total loser, though at the time I thought he was cool, blech. Anywho, Dean lost his apartment because he partied too much so he asked me to hold on to some of his stuff while he tried to find a place to live. He was living at his friends but he took off from them, and no one saw him for a month. I was devistated to say the least, I mean - here is my cool skater/surfer boyfriend and he disappears! BWAAAAAAHHHH!!!! I found out later that he would pop in on his friends place every now and then to let them know he was okay. Upon finding this out I figured we were broken up. Okay - time to move on... I pilfered his record collection I was holding for him, sold the vinyl I didn't want, and gave his other misc. stuff of his to GoodWill.

Then I have this dream, that Dean would walk into the store I was working at and would tell me he wanted me back. The dream bothered me, maybe that's why I remembered it. Three days later the exact same senario played out in real life. I was working at a local surf shop, straightening up the clothes on a rack, and he walks in and wants to know how I am doing. Can you believe it? I tell him I'm okay, we chit chat for a bit. Then he asks for his records back, and I tell him that I sold them, and he FLIPS. Oh well, what was I suppose to do, right? Hee hee hee.

We did end up getting back together though, but then I broke it off when I found out he was dealing Meth. Sheesh, what a looser. LOL!!!!

Annie, Stop Eating the Rattlesnake

2005-07-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, there's a rattlesnake in the parking lot of the Brea mall. Third level, right next to the Nordstroms, where we always park. The snake was kind of a yellowish brown color, small and very pissed off that he had been discovered; coiled up and rattling like he had no damn sense. Brian has a long contraption and moves it away from some of the cars but doesn't kill it, thinking that he will eventually go back home, wherever that was.

We go shopping and when we come out it's our home and the front lawn is grass but the color of asphalt. I look for the dogs, found Boomer and Snickers but Annie was hiding. When I find her she's crunching down on the snakes head. "Shit, she's going to ingest the poison and die." I go find Brian and he tries to take the snake away but Annie has eaten so much by then that there was nothing really to salvage. Meanwhile Annie is just so proud that she killed a snake, acting all stupid with her tail wagging and a dopey smile on her face.

We call the vet and find out that she would be okay after all. The vet was telling us that if the snake had bitten her then she would be sick; however, because she crunched on it's head first that got rid of the poison.

I have got to figure out how to post a picture on here so you could see my baby Anniebelle. Hmmm, I'll work on that today.

No Time and the Machete

2005-07-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted my dreams in the past day or so because I have been totally swamped at work and when I get home I am too tired to really care. I am hoping I will be able to post later today as I had a scary dream last night about someone trying to kill me.

Okay, found some time to post the dream...

I had met a man that wanted to go out with me but instead of asking me directly he went through someone else; the wife Debra on the show “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I don’t remember what he looked like but I wasn’t attracted to him so I told her that I didn’t want to date him so she went back and told him. He then tells her, “Just as well, I was going to kill her then but I’ll just kill her later.”

The scene switches and I am trying to hide from the guy. The color of the dream switches back and forth from dark grey to a reddish black. I’m in a house and frantic because I knew he was hunting me, and I couldn’t find a place to hide. I kept tossing pillows and blankets, trying to find some little nook to hide in but it was no use. One of the blankets I tossed around was pink.

He had a huge knife, like a machete and it was dripping with blood and he was making these hacking motions towards me. Raymond and his wife Debra were trying to hide me but we gave up, there was no place for me to go. So I sat and waited for him to find me and hurt me. Then I woke up…

I talked to my therapist the other day and she thinks my dreams could possibly stem from my childhood, because I never really had a sense of safety growing up. My childhood wasn’t the most pleasant, but it sure could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. I was picked on at school, picked on at home so I never had a place where I could really relax – it‘s like I was always “on guard” because you never know. I never knew my dad’s moods but more than likely they were bad. We were all afraid of him, we all couldn’t stand him – he was so mean. Later in life he mellowed and we actually got along during the last years of his life. I’m glad of that, yet I still feel guilty for being pissed at him for what he did to us.

And this all leads to the “what if’s”. I’m torturing myself with that thought process I know. At times I can’t help it, it’s so consuming. If the thoughts don’t manifest in my day to day thinking, they come out in my dreams – always there taunting me, like the man in the dream above. Maybe he’s the big “what if” in my life???

2:14 AM

2005-07-26T02:14:00.000-07:00

I was at the birthday party of my former boss, Jerry. A bunch of people from the GPS company that I worked for were there as well. I was sitting by myself watching everyone, trying very hard not to have a cigarette. I was nervous because I was with people that I hadn't seen in years and the urge to smoke was strong.

Brian comes in and I asked what he was doing here and he said that he had been looking through my stuff and found a survey on my computer asking me questions about my job including how often I saw Steve a week. He was upset, saying that I broke no contact but I explained to him that someone else from the GPS company took the survey on my computer, that's why the results looked like it was from me, but it wasn't me at all. I was really calm because I knew I hadn't broken no contact and told Brian that he can look at all my e-mails and everything else if it would put his mind at ease. He laughed and said he trusted me and then we both laughed. The scene switches and now the party is at the GPS company. Brian wanted to pee all over Steve's desk and I thought it was a great idea but the camera's in the building would catch him and then he would be in major trouble. So we just laughed about it instead and that's when I woke up.

Hee hee hee, kind of funny. Plus when I woke up I had to go to the bathroom, BAD.

Brian, Stop Grabbing My Boob!

2005-07-25T08:18:00.000-07:00

I was in the kitchen making raspberry jam. I had a huge pot of the stuff sitting right in front of me and I was ladling the jam into the small 4 oz jars. The color at first was a light brown color but as the jars cooled they turned a beautiful shade of pinkish red. Anywho, I’m ladling the hot syrupy mixture into a jar and Brian comes in and grabs my boob and says, “I want to honk a hooter.” I kind of pushed him away, telling him that I don’t want to spill any of the hot jam on me and he kept insisting on grabbing my tit. I finally yelled at him, telling him to back off because it’s pissing me off and I don’t want to burn myself.

He gets mad at me, telling me that he was just playing around. Then he accuses me of pulling away from him, of distancing myself from him. I tried to tell him that I just didn’t want to mess around but he wouldn’t understand. He just got madder and madder until he walked away. I went back to canning and noticed that all the jars I had filled while we were arguing had a ton of foam in them so I couldn’t enter them into the fair. I was so pissed off because if he hadn’t come into the kitchen maybe the jam would have turned out okay.

I have been rather depressed lately and when I am I kind of withdraw from people. Brian hates that because he wants to know what’s up but for me it’s always the same thing so why bother him. This makes him feel helpless I am sure and I try not to be depressed around him but sometimes it’s hard to hide.

Meanwhile, I still need to make the rest of the jam I’m going to enter into the fair but it’s just to friggin hot.

Annie Lost Her Nose and I'm a Total Disappointment

2005-07-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

My Goosiebelle Lost Her Nose!!!

My dog Annabelle (Annie) lost her nose. She was wondering around the front room with a hole in her snout, where the nose should be. It wasn't bloody or anything like that, it just sort of fell off. I went around the house looking for her nose and saw it laying on the ground and the little black plastic brace that held it in place was laying next to it. I picked it up, looked down at Annie and she was so happy we found her nose - her whole body wiggling from her wagging her tail so hard. I bent down, placed her nose back on her, and placed the black plactic brace over that and there you go...Annie had her nose back. You couldn't even see the plastic thingy holding it all in place since it blended in so well.

I'm a Total Disappointment

I was in a high school play and I had a part where I played a mother, an older mother. I was fighting with my friend Cheryl at the time and was really ticked off that I was going to have to be in the same scene together, and that she got the better part.

I never bothered to learn my lines or went to rehearsal so I had no clue as to what was going on. First I walk out on stage accidently but thankfully nobody saw me. In my embarrassment I run upstairs, to the production area to hide and they were very nice and told me where I could sit so I could calm down. I calmed down but because I was so embarrassed I didn't even want to go back out on stage - so no one played my part. Cheryl was pissed and I needed to find a quick way to leave so I wouldn't be seen by anyone so I scooted onto an elevator and we dropped down to the lobby. I ran out onto the street and I tried calling my dad to come pick me up. I remember that he didn't pick me up right away and I waited outside in the dark, under a green street light. I was terrified but at the same time, I wasn't looking forward to the drive home with my dad. He did but he was so pissed when I told him about what happened. He kept telling me about how I let everyone down, how I failed them.

I am sure the above dream has to do with the fact that I see myself as a failure. Not only to my dad but to everyone around me, even though they say I am not. I try very hard not to go down that road in my mind but it's like it's drilled in my head. Do any of you have issues like that? How do you deal with them??

Dad and an Injured Bird

2005-07-23T01:36:00.000-07:00

My dad left my mom, we don't know why but he did. He moved out and it was up to my brother and I to tell my other brother.

I was crying, devistated that my dad actually did what he threatened to do for so long. I go into Paul's room and asked him if we should tell Jamie and he said yes, especially because if Jamie found out on his own he would be pissed. We go into Jamie's room and he's in there, with his birds, cages and cages of birds. We tell him, but he said he already knew. His eyes were vacant and I cried.

The scene switches and I'm with my dad. We are trying to figure out the whole splitting your time between parents thing when I looked outside and there is a small bird, with it's claw totally crunched, and bent up underneath him. I run out there and pick him up and the poor thing is near death. It turns into a race against time - I'm freaking out trying to get this little bird to my brothers before he dies. My dad doesn't care, in fact he gets mad at me for focusing on my bird.
I run to my brothers room give him the bird, which he puts in a cage by himself. He said something like if the other birds get to him while he's injured they would kill him. I'm releaved that the bird is safe but wonder if he will live, and I keep hoping that he will.

This dream just happened. Throughout my life my parents fought and my dad always threatened to leave, but never did. I use to wish he would take off because I hated him for all the pain he caused. When I woke up I was releaved that it was just a dream; yet now a part of me wonders what it would have been like if he had left. Less verbal abuse, maybe even less physical abuse? Maybe things would have been different for me - more confidence, more feeling of self worth. I sit here now and wonder where my life has gone and what I could have been. I was never encouraged to do or be anything, I just kind of faked my way through life. Now I feel lost and a failure - a mistake

At 35 I wonder what I could have been, what my life would be like if certain things did (or didn't) happen. I sit here with my husband, who loves me dearly, asleep in the other room, my three pooches at my feet, in my home that we own, and I should be grateful - and I am. But what if my folks actually encouraged me to go to college, what if they encouraged me to study animals, the stars, or the weather - things that I love and loved since I was a child. Where would I be now? What if, what if , what if...

Lack of Sleep

2005-07-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't been sleeping well due to the heat unfortunately. I have had dreams but I only remember bits and pieces.

There was one dream where I was buying a spoon made of Mother of Pearl for a wedding gift from the store Cartier. Another where I was looking to have a formal dress made. I know there are others but it's kind of hard for me to describe since it's just little "flashes" here and there. Oh yah, another Steve dream, thankfully it wasn't anything major.

I hope that I can get some sleep tonight. How does the heat affect you? I get so cranky, actually bitchy is a better word. Even though we have a small a/c unit in the bedroom it doesn't help that much. Still, at least we have that.

Damn, I want winter!!!

Nasty Sleep-overs, Silver Ingets and Swing Dancing

2005-07-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

Nasty Sleep-over

My family, Brian and I went on vacation together. My parents were sleeping in one cottage and wanted Brian and I to sleep in separate cottages, even though we were married. They didn't like the fact that Brian and I were having sex and wanted to keep us as far apart as possible.

It was night and my folks went to bed and I sent a post-it note to Brian telling him that it was crazy that we were sleeping apart, and he most definitly agreed. (Cue Mission Impossible music) So we got some friends of our to sneak me from one end of the complex, past my parents room, to Brian's place in some silver metal contraption that I saw on Antiques Roadshow that evening. I made it in - but we didn't even have sex, the dream ended... Damnit!!!

Silver Ingets

I was with a bunch of people in a neighborhood somewhere and they had tons of explosives. I asked what was going on and they told me they were going to blast a home from it's foundation and mine for silver. Brian was a stranger and when I saw him I thought, "Hubba hubba" so I hung out for a while to see what would happen. The explosives were placed around the house and was told to go hide in the basement of the home across the street, since the blast was going to be pretty powerful. I went into their garage instead and hid under a bicycle, with sticks and leaves poking me in the face. BOOM, the bomb goes off, crap is flying everywhere and the ground shakes. We come out from hiding and go to the huge crater left behind. Digging through rubble I find a square silver inget; holding it in my hands I thought that I had hit the jackpot. Brian came up to me and was all excited because we were going to make tons of money.

Swing Dancing

My church was having a yard sale so I walked up and looked for stuff to buy. It was really hot and even though I loved the pink depression glass I couldn't take the heat so I went inside to cool off. There was a sign stating that they were offering Swing Dancing lessons that day, at 2:00pm so I hung out there to brush up on my dancing. There was a brass band there, but I only remember a French Horn.

The silver thing that I saw on Antique Roadshow last night definitely played into the first two dreams. Funny how little things that you see throughout your day play out at night.

Dog School, Elementary School and Madonna???

2005-07-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

I was walking on a sidewalk in Pasadena, in a business district that looked more like a market on the streets of Bombay, India. I kept passing underneath red scarfs hanging from the tops of the businesses. Rounding a corner, everything takes on a greyish-white hue and I see my old elementary school. As soon as I saw it I remembered that I should be in class so I walk to school, passed through I chain link fence. I noticed that the school had now branched out into dog training; I walked past all these dogs, learning their commands and I thought that it was really neat to have a human and dog school combined.

I went upstairs and there was Madonna laying on a bed and in order to pass I had to do some sex stuff to her, and to someone else but I don't remember who the guy was. I was totally put out because I hate Madonna but I had to do what she wanted in order to graduate, so reluctantly I preformed what she wanted me to preform, on herself and the guy - but I was very unhappy about it and didn't enjoy it at all.

This was one dream and I only remember bits of it. Madonna, ick! I can't stand her music, can't stand her as a celebrity and if I knew her personally I probably wouldn't like her either. So to have a sex dream about her is just really disgusting. Blech.

Urine, Banana Republic, Nukes, Scrub and Christmas

2005-07-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

Urine and Banana Republic

Brian and I were at the mall, a very high end mall. I was wearing my long beige skirt and I remember we were shopping for clothes for me (nice so far!). I kept telling Brian that I had to go to the bathroom but he kept insisting that we keep shopping. We went into the store Banana Republic and he was picking out clothes for me, but I didn't care; I remember the pee building inside of me, to the point of pain but Brian wouldn't let me go. So I just cut loose and peed all over my skirt. I looked down and the whole front of the skirt was soaked, so I couldn't hide it from anyone. I was so ashamed, to the point of tears. Brian repremanded me and I tried to explain that I couldn't wait any longer but he didn't understand.

Nukes

I was at work with the chief of LAPD and some other people when we got the word that a nuke had been fired towards Los Angeles but we didn't know where it would land. We left the building and we were on the crowded freeway and I was watching the sky, waiting to see if I could see the nuke. I saw an airplane and I freaked out thinking that was the bomb but the chief calmed me down and told me that it was just a plane but I should still worry because the bomb was headed our way.

We drove through the Hollywood Hills and ended up at the police station, which was a secret place and nobody knew were it was located. We got out of the car and I kept thinking that if a bomb was going to land anywhere it was going to be here; I was hoping that there was a cellar that I could hide in., and hoped there was a bathroom there as well. It blurs from there...

Scrub and Christmas

Brian and I were at the local Rite-Aid and I wanted to get some scrub for my face. I looked at the Davies Gate brand and wanted to get that but noticed that they had a different type out that was more expensive. I held the two bottles in my hand, and I remember that they contained a brown, grainey good inside and I commented to Brian that they looked the same. He said that I should get the cheaper one and I was about to but then I looked up and noticed there was a neat facial mud mask in a purple container so I bought that instead.

We started to leave and we noticed that the check out portion of the store had turned into a Christmas display. We passed under twinkling lights and beautiful branches painted gold with glitter. Red ribbons adorned trees and Christmas music was in the background. I got all giddy with excitement and Brian kept telling me to calm down because it was only July. I couldn't believe that the store was setting up for the holidays already but I was happy that they did.

Bono Wishes and Vicodin Dreams

2005-07-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a horrible day so I took the only thing I could find to help me sleep, a Vicodin, and I slept great, but didn't dream much. I have to admit, I love a drug induced sleep once in a while.

That's two days in a row that I didn't dream much, I will lose what little readers I have!!! I"m sorry, I'll make it up to you - I'll talk more about previous dreams:

I have always love the band U2, ever since the early 80's. Along with that I have always had a crush on Bono, though I know he can be a bit of a pratt. That crush has lead to my Bono dreams. They aren't sexual, okay maybe a few of them have been, but they are dreamy. It's kind of the same premise, he sees me at a concert, is totally dazzled by my beauty (hey, I'm dreaming) and wants to see me backstage. I go back there and that's where the dream will turn sexual. There are times however where I pilfer their stage clothes or I'll stand there and cry because I am in the "presence" of Bono. Gag, I sound like a teenager, don't I? Hard to believe I am 35 years old and still have a crush on a somebody famous. I need a life!!!

Dull evening...

2005-07-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to write about. I remember just little snippets, one about Davies Gate, another about my hubby Brian and I activating our credit cards. I know, very exciting indeed. Maybe tonight will be better. Personally, today has been a crappy day so I hope it's all good dreams tonight!!!

Steve and the Lord of the Rings

2005-07-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

The first dream I had was of Steve. We were at work and I walked up to his cubicle to talk to him but he was talking to someone else so I touched him on the shoulder and told him that I needed to see him at my desk; he was wearing a blue shirt with a small grey check. I wanted to tell him that I would be working near him and that just because we worked together doesn’t mean that we could start up anything.

Then it morphs into this dream…

I head back to my desk and find out that Gollum from Lord of the Rings was in the walls and was trying to hide from everyone, at the same time destroy the earth. I looked inside the walls and it was a dark cave, like how it was in the “Rings” movies. He had an accomplice named David and David was trying to stop us from stopping Gollum. The whole scene changed into a classroom setting and we tried barricading the doors so David wouldn’t get out. It gets really foggy from that point on.

I also dreamt of my dad last night but I can’t remember anything about it – but he was there. I would love to have a happy dream of my dad one day, that would be nice.

Exorcist Dreams

2005-07-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

For some reason, since I was a little girl I have always been afraid of the devil. I should be more specific, the devil hurting me, or taking me down to hell. I don’t remember how this fear started but I am guessing that it’s because I went to a Christian elementary school. It was a good school, but little kids have a hard time with the concept of heaven and hell I believe. Discussing hell to a child can scare the crap out of them, especially if you make blatant remarks like, “If you do this, you are going to hell.”

I grew up with this fear, sleep was difficult for me. I was up many nights because I was too afraid to sleep. I remember times where I was up around midnight watching tv, and I was 8 years old. Then when the channels went off air and the snow came on I freaked even more.

Then at the age of 12 or 13, I saw the Exorcist. Let me begin with this, I am a Christian and I do believe in demon possession and oppression. Now, could it happen to the degree that was depicted in the movie? I don’t know, but I do believe it exists. So one night my mom is watching the Exorcist and I sit to watch it with her, and totally FREAKED! Funny thing, she knew it was upsetting me, but she didn’t stop me from watching it. Anyway, needless to say the Exorcist dreams started.

One dream is so vivid, like it happened yesterday, only it happened at least 15 years ago. I wake up and look out my bathroom window and watch the sunrise. It was a beautiful, golden globe of fire. Then it started moving towards me and as it moved towards me it changed to the face of a demon that I can’t even describe. Its color turned red and it came up to me and screamed this blood thirsty scream right into my face. I woke up screaming.

Another dream I had: I was sleeping in my bed and demons were flying around me. I tried to get up, to run away but they threw me back down onto the bed. Then one of them held me down by the shoulders and kept telling me that they were going to “get me” and “drag me down to hell”. By this time I am fully awake, but I can’t move my body, I can’t get up. I turn my head to the right and see my bible sitting on my desk and I start repeating “The Lord is my shepherd…” and suddenly I could move. Was I actually being held down, I doubt it. I have heard of sleep paralysis and that’s probably what it was, still scared the piss out of me.

I have had countless others; hiding from demons or Satan for fear that they were going to hurt me. Fortunately these dreams have subsided in recent years. I don’t know why, except for I tend to avoid anything having to deal with the supernatural. Of course, now that I have talked about these dreams I probably will have one – but I hope not!

Annabelle and Seinfeld

2005-07-12T08:12:00.000-07:00

My dear Anniebelle had something wrong with her eye, a huge black glop right in the corner. I tried to get it out but it just kept oozing all sorts of crap and my other pooch Snickers kept barking at me, like I was doing it all wrong and making things worse. It was night and I couldn't take her to the vet so I called an ambulance. For some reason this was happening at my mom's house but it was mine home instead. I go outside and wait under the birch trees, the sky was a beautiful dark grey blue and the moon lit the sky up, giving everything a soft silver glow. I look up the street and down the hill comes the ambulance and you know who gets out? Yep, Jerry Seinfeld. He checks out baby Annie, puts some sort of medicine in her eye and tells me it's going to be okay, then drives away.

I have three dogs, Boomer, Annabelle and Snickers; Annie is my baby girl and I am very protective of her. I think that this dream came from two places; I watched Seinfeld last night and I commented on Sierrabella's thread about the home that I grew up in. Why this played out with Annie in the middle of it all, I don't know.

7/11/05 Dream

2005-07-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

Steve dream:

Brian was taking me to work which was located at a mall. Next to the mall was JPL and my work shared the same parking lot as JPL. Brian was looking for a place to drop me off and I told him that we couldn't park in the usual spot because we might run into Steve. I kept thinking in my mind that I couldn't break "no contact", that I couldn't risk seeing him. So Brian dropped me off on another street, a long dirt road with a sidewalk. The sky was cloudy, very dark, it looked like it was going to rain, and it was hot. Though I was horribly uncomfortable I knew it was better than risking running into Steve. And so I walked down this road. All I can remember from that point on is the brown from the dirt and the grey from the clouds, all the way to the horizon.

How funny that no contact spills into my dreams At least I'm not shaken up by seeing him in my dreams anymore. Before it was horrible, it would ruin my whole day. It's not bad now, I just wonder why he's still there subconsciously. Maybe that will be explained in time as these dreams unfold. And if not, that's fine too...

I forgot about these dreams...

2005-07-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

My roller-skating dreams, how could I forget those? They are one of the many dreams that I have over and over. I had one last night, and it's always the same situation: I'm looking for a pair of roller skates. Not the in-line skates but old school, with four rubber wheels and the stopper thingy that's on the front of the shoe. This time around I was at a sporting goods store with Brian and I saw a pair of Converse low tops and the employee there told me that they were skates. I told him that I didn't see the wheels but the guy explained that the wheels attached onto the shoe so you could wear the shoe separately if I wished. I tried them on and I didn't like how the wheels attached, too complicated, and I didn't like the color of the attachment (burgandy) so I didn't get them.

Man, how could I forget my roller-skating dreams? I have them all the time. I would love to get a pair of skates but I am afraid that I would fall and break my neck, but ohman, would it be so much fun!!!

Freaky Dream - 7/5/05

2005-07-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

I was over at my mom's house, on the side of the property we call the "north 40". I was headed to the backyard from there when I suddenly stumbled upon a swarm of bees. The queens were out too and the males were protecting her, and they thought I was the enemy so they attacked me. I was only stung once, on the arm, and the stinger looked like a thorn from a rose bush.

I get away and run up to my mom telling her that the bees are swarming in the north 40 and she better call someone before they get into the walls. She wasn't concerned at all and I'm freaking out, yelling at her to do something before it's too late. She just sits there, with her blue dress and her wedding ring worn on a necklace around her neck. Then I discover that the bees are in the walls, and that it's too late. I'm trying to tell her this and she doesn't care, she just sits there looking at me and she doesn't care.

Good lord, it took me all day to type this one out. I kept getting interrupted with work and other stuff. Thank goodness the dream was so vivid. You should have seen the queen bees. They had huge abdomens, like termites. It upsets me just thinking about it. Ick!!!

Repeating Dreams

2005-07-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't had any memorable dreams these past few days, except for another Davies Gate dream. Same thing, I start working there again and I want to help make them successful. Odd...

These are the types of recurring dreams that I have:

Davies Gate
tornadoes
high school
high school annual
tests in high school
seeing Steve at work
my father being angry or dying
being naked or semi naked in public
seeing my old friend Cheryl from school
seeing heaven

I tend to dream about Davies Gate, high school and Steve a lot lately. The dreams run in phases so soon these will slow and others will take over. I look forward to my tornado dreams because usually they are beautiful, but they have been scary. I truly believe that I have see heaven in my dreams and fortunately God lets me in (thank goodness!!) These happen only once in a while, but enough to note that they are repetitive.

6/30/05 Dream

2005-06-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

I had another Davies Gate dream. This time around I was just rehired and Jack came out to give me a tour of the place. He was dressed in overalls and no shirt. I remember thinking that he looked like a total hick and I started laughing at him. He couldn’t figure out why I was laughing at him and he got pissed.

I have dreams about them at least once a month and it’s always the same theme, I start working for them again. Why I was rehired I have no clue but it’s always that scenario. Maybe it’s because I was so miserable working for them? But then why would I dream about working for them again? I sure as hell don’t want to go through that misery. In my dreams I always want to make them happy, do a good job for them, keep out of trouble. Is it because they were so hard to please when I was there? They were indeed difficult to work for but I not that bad that I should be having dreams about them five years later.

Very strange.

6/29/05 Dream

2005-06-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I had one of my clothes dreams. I dreamt of receiving a gorgeous black skirt for my birthday. It was a tissue thin silk and it had two layers. The top layer was pleated and laid over the bottom layer but it was split up the middle so the bottom layer was exposed. Oh man, it was gorgeous!!! It was made by Chanel and I was so happy to receive it but my mom said it would cost a lot in dry cleaning because of the pleats so I returned it. I got $5375.00 for the skirt but George from Seinfeld took the money from me and got hair plugs. I was so upset because I should have kept the skirt, I should have just ignored my mom, but I didn’t.

Funny because I’m still kind of pissed and it was only a dream…

6/28/05 Dreams, pt. 1

2005-06-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

Lots and lots of dreams last night…

The zucchini pickles I made were bubbling and I was freaking out that they were going to be bad for the fair but then I learned that bubbling pickles is a good thing.

I got totally pissed at Brian because I wanted to enter dreams into my blog but our laptop was charging. I tried using it but there were so many cords going into the thing, and the screen kept falling down so I ripped the cords out and threw them across the room.

I was reading Brian’s Lord of the Rings trilogy only it was one of those “Little Golden Books” that you use to read as a kid. The cover was a gold foil and the binding was coming apart from so much usage. There were beautiful pictures inside of the different characters but the characters were played by animals, like toads and geese, not hobbits or elves.

There were more dreams, maybe they will come to mind later in the day but this is all I can remember right now.

6/27/05 Dream

2005-06-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

I don't remember much from last night. I woke up a lot due to the fact that Brian was having one of his snoring nights. All my dreams had to do with the supernatural though, very sad and oppresive.

One part of a dream I remember was that I was being tested by God and I was to try and save a dying dog, a Golden Retriever. I held onto the poor thing trying to save it but I don't know if I ever did. My mom was there and her challenge was to save someone who was burning to death by holding the person as well. I remember thinking that if she holds him she will catch on fire and burn. That's all I can remember...

6/26/05 Dreams

2005-06-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

Not much last night, in fact I don't remeber having any dreams. Maybe tonight I will...

6/25/05 Dreams

2005-06-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a few dreams but none that were really clear.

I had one dream where I was trying to help my mom find a restaurant to visit. She wanted to go some place with a theme and I remember trying to help her find something but I couldn't. Or if I did I don't remember

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was making a roux and it was burning and I still needed to throw in the carrots and onion so I asked my mom to move the pan off the burner so it wouldn't continue cooking. then I sliced up the onion and when I went to slice the carrots I noticed that they were all floppy and not that appetizing. I started freaking out, I think because the carrots went bad but I am not sure.

There were more dreams but these are the only two I remember. I never dream about my mom so it's weird that I had two dreams in one night with her in them.

Weird Dreams

2005-06-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

I have had some strange dreams lately about Steve. I see him, usually at work and I want to go up and talk to him. I can see him plain as day too, the color shirt he's wearing, his eyes, I can hear his voice. Anywho, he knows I am there, he sees me and knows I want to talk to him, but he turns and walks away so as to keep No Contact. I get mad at him, tell him to at least acknowledge my presence but that doesn't work. Then I wake up.