Depression and the Bell Peppers
It’s been a very stressful few weeks.
So let’s start off by saying that I don’t want to slit my wrists anymore. That’s a good thing and I am grateful for coming out of that horrible hole I was sinking into but I still feel hopeless. Stuck? Lost? Trapped?
I like stuck…
What I mean is I am not depressed enough to hurt myself and I can’t say that I am all that happy. I try and be happy around others because I don’t want to be the pisser that brings everyone down but inside… I’m not sad – I’m just tired. Tired of feeling anything. Emotions are very draining to me, especially depression. I kind of see it as leeches sucking the blood out of me; weakening me to the point where I don’t want to move.
Okay so I am not quite that bad right now – see, I’m typing – at work – which means I have moved a lot. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel as if I am in a state of limbo and I am just exhausted from all the shit that I have put myself through, though it seems as though I can’t help it. My brain is hard-wired for depression, as is my mom’s and both my brothers. So it’s not my “fault” per say, it’s just how it is.
My dreams have been very entertaining. I have been dreaming about vegetables lately. The other night I dreamt that we grew these huge beautiful red bell peppers on our back porch but when we picked them the tops were all rotted out and we were very bummed. Last night I dreamt of tomatoes but for the life of me I can’t remember what that was all about. I also had a couple of illicit dreams about Hugh Laurie but I won’t go into that (wow, it got hot in here all of the sudden!) I have also been dreaming of clothes as well, evening gowns that I have designed or have seen in shops. Beautiful gowns that would rival any red-carpet frock. I’m telling ya, if I could actually make the gowns I dream about, that would be the freakin bomb!!!
I want to thank those that stopped by and checked out my blog after seeing it on Madman’s site. Thanks for the votes too!! That handsome bearded man next to me in that pic is my hubby – hubba hubba!!!!!