Depression and the Bell Peppers

It’s been a very stressful few weeks.

So let’s start off by saying that I don’t want to slit my wrists anymore. That’s a good thing and I am grateful for coming out of that horrible hole I was sinking into but I still feel hopeless. Stuck? Lost? Trapped?

I like stuck…

What I mean is I am not depressed enough to hurt myself and I can’t say that I am all that happy. I try and be happy around others because I don’t want to be the pisser that brings everyone down but inside… I’m not sad – I’m just tired. Tired of feeling anything. Emotions are very draining to me, especially depression. I kind of see it as leeches sucking the blood out of me; weakening me to the point where I don’t want to move.

Okay so I am not quite that bad right now – see, I’m typing – at work – which means I have moved a lot. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel as if I am in a state of limbo and I am just exhausted from all the shit that I have put myself through, though it seems as though I can’t help it. My brain is hard-wired for depression, as is my mom’s and both my brothers. So it’s not my “fault” per say, it’s just how it is.

My dreams have been very entertaining. I have been dreaming about vegetables lately. The other night I dreamt that we grew these huge beautiful red bell peppers on our back porch but when we picked them the tops were all rotted out and we were very bummed. Last night I dreamt of tomatoes but for the life of me I can’t remember what that was all about. I also had a couple of illicit dreams about Hugh Laurie but I won’t go into that (wow, it got hot in here all of the sudden!) I have also been dreaming of clothes as well, evening gowns that I have designed or have seen in shops. Beautiful gowns that would rival any red-carpet frock. I’m telling ya, if I could actually make the gowns I dream about, that would be the freakin bomb!!!

I want to thank those that stopped by and checked out my blog after seeing it on Madman’s site. Thanks for the votes too!! That handsome bearded man next to me in that pic is my hubby – hubba hubba!!!!!

Brighter Days

First of all, thank you Anna and mr_g. I'm feeling much better. My medication issues have been figured out, and corrected, and that's made a huge difference.

I'm still havng some problems that need to be dealt with but at least I am not feeling so hopeless. I'm telling you, that is the absolute worst feeling. I don't want to go back to that, ever again. I'm just thankful that I acted as quickly as I did when I was feeling bad.

My dreams have been crazy - mostly tornado dreams. Most of the tornados are white and I'm either getting caught up in them and not getting out or they just kind of roll right over me. Definitely this has to do with all that's going on - possibly the tornados representing the stress and the problems that I am facing and how I am dealing with it all.

I have to go up to Sacramento this week for training which I am NOT looking forward too; but at least after this things should slow down a little.

Not good...

Well as you can tell by my last post the Chackster (me) hasn't been doing good. I'm having a pretty bad depressive episode or whatever you want to call it; this time though suicide became a nice little option to end it. At least I am with it enough to know that's not healthy and I need some help. My anti-d's have been upped a bit and the doc's are thinking it's because all the other crap I'm on for my migraines, birth control, etc... I just have to hang in there long enough for the meds to kick in and I should feel better. Meanwhile, I have scared the piss out of my poor husband and I feel absolutely horrible about that.

I can't look at my wrists because if I do I want to cut them, does that sound freaky or what? Though I have always been depressed, I have never been suicidal. This is a whole new world for me and strangely enough, I'm not scared of it.

I got a promotion at work too so maybe the stress from the new job is also contributing to this? Also the fact that I am sick with a cold/flu and can't really take time off because of the new job? Maybe there is just too much going on and my body and mind can't handle it.

Come on meds - kick in.

Have You Ever Felt Trapped?

I hate that feeling, of being trapped. I have had so much going on lately, this feeling shouldn't be there but it is.

I want to run away, yet I can't bring myself to imagine it. I want to break loose but I have absolutely no clue what's holding me back. I'm fustrated beyond belief, but I don't know what's fustrating me - which makes me even more fustrated.

I know, I make no sense. Something has got to give - I can't keep feeling like this.

Hooray for Side Effects and Bacon Sex!

Well the list of Topamax side effects just keeps on growing, I'm so happy!

Yes mr_g, coke tastes like ass! Wait, I take that back - ass tastes better. I have not tried other carbonated drinks but I think it's safe to assume that they will taste crappy as well. I am sticking to water, like you suggested, even though it has taken on a slight metallic taste.

Hyperventallation has kicked in. We went cycling Saturday up a small fire-trail here in town. I was hyperventallating by the first 1/4 mile into the ride, practically dying by the first mile. My hubby looked at me as though I was a weenie and I felt like a weenie. I didn't realize this was a side effect until I got home and read up on the medication. Hell, I started breathing funny tossing the ball to my dog in the afternoon yesterday.

I am having even more difficulties writing, speaking - articulation. I have never had a problem with communication up until now. I am sure others don't notice it, but I do and it's pissing me off.

I dunno if this is worth it. Say this medication does prevent my migraines, then what? That means I would be on it for quite some time. That would really put a damper some of the things I like to do. I really like cycling and I don't want to give that up. And playing ball with my pooch shouldn't wear me out.

I go back to the doc later in February and I think I'm going to tell him I want off this stuff. Unfortunately I have to do this gradually or else I risk the chance of having seizures (lovely) so I'll wait until I see the guy. Jeezaloo - what a pain in the ass this turned out to be.


Hot Steamy Bacon Sex

So last night I dream that my hubby and I are having some hot sex and he wants to try something different so he asks me to cook up five pieces of Farmer John's Thick Cut bacon for him. When I'm done cooking his bacon hubby then asks me to dress in this little green nightie thing and lay the bacon on my ass so he can eat it off of me so he does and I giggle the whole time he's eating the bacon off my ass - and I even woke myself up giggling! Pretty hilarious!

List of Side Effects I'm Feeling

My Topamax Side Effects (in no particular order)
Using the wrong words when writing
Using the wrong words when speaking (only a couple of times)
Drinking all sorts of water due to excessive thirst
Carbonated drinks tastes icky
Wacky-ass dreams that I can't remember to record later
Dry skin everywhere, I'm a flippin prune. Woke up with a bloody nose the other night.
Feeling of disconnect throughout the day, not too bad though, just a little spacey.

I up the meds this Friday. I am sure the side effects will be worse but I hope not much worse. When I go cycling I go through so much water, I don't know what I'll do in the summertime when it's hot. The thing is that if I don't keep up on the water there is a chance of developing kidney stones and I sure as hell don't want to go through that. I'm going to have to get one of those hydro-pack things that I can wear on my back when I go out, that way I can carry a lot of water with me.

My doc told me that I won't know if the medication will work or not for another couple of weeks. I would imagine that the side-effects will get a little worse when I up the meds but hopefully not by much. If the stuff doesn't help my headaches though I'm getting off this crap. I have dealt with these headaches for over 20 years so dealing with them for longer aint going to kill me.

My dog Boomer has started his own blog so stop by and check it out. He's such a smart boy!

This Should Be Fun

I went to the neurologist day before yesterday for my headaches. I have a history of headaches and it's been determined that I have "menstrual migraines with cluster traits". If you don't know what a cluster headache is check this site out: Cluster Headaches.

The doc gave me a prescription for a drug called Topamax, an anticonvulsant used for epilsepsy but it also works on headaches for some. I'm thinking, "Hopefully this will work." and I walked out the office happy as a clam. Got home, turned on the computer and looked up the drug. Yah, not so crazy about taking it now. Check this out. I'm not really likin the fact that the drugs can make me, "dumber than a box of rocks." Apparently the medical condition known as "aphasia" is a side effect; and that's when you say something and it sounds right to you, but it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to others. So for instance, I tell my husband, "Honey, I want a ring from Tiffany's" he's going to hear, "The dog outside is my employer." Oh boy, this is going to be fun. Not only does this affect speech but also writing as well. Hence the drug's nickname "Dopeymax" or "Stupidmax".

I spoke to the doctor today and he said that since I am on a low dosage I shouldn't have problems with it but I won't know until I take it.

Tonight I take my first pill and for a week I take one a day, then the following week I take two a day. So if you read my blog these next few weeks and I sound like a blundering idiot, it's the drugs I tell ya - it's the damn drugs.